Holy shit, I'm going back to work tomorrow. I'm so fucking nervous, it's rediculous. I'm excited at the same time. While I'm more organized going into this quarter than when I started, I'm taking on a lot more than before. I'm doing science, social studies, health, and PE for the first time. I also have to write a thesis, which is a crazy business.
I guess it's a mixed blessing. I will not have any time to worry about my love life.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Moses and Bill shoot the shit
An imagined conversation between Moses (of Biblical fame) and Bill Bryson, written by myself and fellow third grader teacher friend Sophie, during a workshop at last month's pointless UCLA seminar:
Moses: Have you ever been in the desert?
Bill: Oh yes - I spent two weeks in the central desert of Australia. Bloody vast. Terribly hot.
Moses: I can imagine! I and many others spent time in the desert between Egypt and Canaan. We needed many things to survive . . . food, shelter. What did you take with yourself as you traveled?
Bill: And of course I can imagine the transportation troubles you must have had. Crossing borders in the Middle East -- not a simple feat! I always take with me a single change of clothes, basic toilet necessities, and of course, my journal. This way I only have a single knapsack to remember. What do you carry?
Moses: Middle East? This land is all I know. Is there a beginning, or End, a West? Just this land. My people brought with them their goods -- wheat, grains, fruit, valuables like gold. Oh and of course, animals like mules and camels to help carry the load. As for me, all I needed was a robe my mother made and a staff. This was more than we could ask for. The food fell from the sky! It was wonderful!
Bill: You wore a robe while travelling? Doesn't leave a lot of pocket space for wallet, passport, camera, and such, does it? Is it a special robe from an outdoor apparel store or something? Pray tell.
Moses: It suited all needs. He was sure of that. A passport? What is this for? To pass. No, I led, but I was not permitted to pass.
Bill: I''m sorry -- I'm not certain we are talking about the same thing. Who is "He" ?
Moses: Oh vey! Another who doesn't believe! Listen, the plagues are done. Ignorance is fine, but don't object to Him.
Moses: Have you ever been in the desert?
Bill: Oh yes - I spent two weeks in the central desert of Australia. Bloody vast. Terribly hot.
Moses: I can imagine! I and many others spent time in the desert between Egypt and Canaan. We needed many things to survive . . . food, shelter. What did you take with yourself as you traveled?
Bill: And of course I can imagine the transportation troubles you must have had. Crossing borders in the Middle East -- not a simple feat! I always take with me a single change of clothes, basic toilet necessities, and of course, my journal. This way I only have a single knapsack to remember. What do you carry?
Moses: Middle East? This land is all I know. Is there a beginning, or End, a West? Just this land. My people brought with them their goods -- wheat, grains, fruit, valuables like gold. Oh and of course, animals like mules and camels to help carry the load. As for me, all I needed was a robe my mother made and a staff. This was more than we could ask for. The food fell from the sky! It was wonderful!
Bill: You wore a robe while travelling? Doesn't leave a lot of pocket space for wallet, passport, camera, and such, does it? Is it a special robe from an outdoor apparel store or something? Pray tell.
Moses: It suited all needs. He was sure of that. A passport? What is this for? To pass. No, I led, but I was not permitted to pass.
Bill: I''m sorry -- I'm not certain we are talking about the same thing. Who is "He" ?
Moses: Oh vey! Another who doesn't believe! Listen, the plagues are done. Ignorance is fine, but don't object to Him.
Friday, January 05, 2007
end of break, wah
The wind is whipping away outside and I'm inside all warm and cozy with my alpaca fur hat and the heat blazing. It's quite cozy this way. Although also a little scary. The wind is going nuts.
I am web shopping for a puffy white vest, for I have decided that it will complete my wardrobe. My wardrobe that no longer fits into my two closets, but has to spend some time on the foot of my bed and on my desk chair and hanging from my bathroom door. I know that sixty five tank tops* is probably too many for one girl to own, and that I could probably go for seven months without repeating an outfit, but I really REALLY need a white puffy vest.
Tomorrow I have a UCLA meeting, which marks my return to reality. It's been a fun three weeks of Doing Nothing. It went faster than I thought it would, but there were still some dark spots. Some highlights include buying a car, internet maybe dating, Scrubs marathoning, New Years Day in Fullerton, slumming with Ariel, and my new brown sweat pants that I have not taken off since I purchased them seven days ago.
!!! Also I can't believe I forgot to mention that on my last time home from work weeks ago, I saw a man riding a horse down Vermont and 99th. A large, black horse.
*These are just the ones that go in the folding closet. I have my party shirts (aka slutty tops) in the hanging closet.
I am web shopping for a puffy white vest, for I have decided that it will complete my wardrobe. My wardrobe that no longer fits into my two closets, but has to spend some time on the foot of my bed and on my desk chair and hanging from my bathroom door. I know that sixty five tank tops* is probably too many for one girl to own, and that I could probably go for seven months without repeating an outfit, but I really REALLY need a white puffy vest.
Tomorrow I have a UCLA meeting, which marks my return to reality. It's been a fun three weeks of Doing Nothing. It went faster than I thought it would, but there were still some dark spots. Some highlights include buying a car, internet maybe dating, Scrubs marathoning, New Years Day in Fullerton, slumming with Ariel, and my new brown sweat pants that I have not taken off since I purchased them seven days ago.
!!! Also I can't believe I forgot to mention that on my last time home from work weeks ago, I saw a man riding a horse down Vermont and 99th. A large, black horse.
*These are just the ones that go in the folding closet. I have my party shirts (aka slutty tops) in the hanging closet.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
gyno
Yesterday I went to a male gynocologist (Benja, stop reading now) for the first time. I decided I wasn't going to let it bother me, because he does it all the time. That is, in fact, what I repeat to myself no matter the gender of my doctor: "They do this all day long. They do this all day long." I had gotten myself all calmed down when my doctor left for a minute and returned with a nurse. I think having someone else in the room is somewhat of a standard procedure, but let me tell you, it was way weirder having two people standing there staring at my snatch, like maybe they were going to go into the hallway and talk about it later. I know they wouldn't, but they COULD HAVE.
last thoughts about the ex
The truth is that not a day goes by without me thinking about him. And not a week has gone by that I haven't cried about being left or about being alone or about what could have been. And on vacation, sitting at home by myself, these thoughts multiply and magnify and I can't seem to stop them. It's especially hard when every week marks something special that happened last year. And would have been special this year. My birthday, our anniversary, his birthday, I love you's...
I wonder if this is it, if this is really who I'm meant to be with, because I know that even if I wait a year to meet in person, that chemistry will still be there, and I'll fall back in love all over again. I know that the in-person amazing will never go away. A huge part of me thinks maybe it's the most important thing. That I thought about him for two years before we got together, that every time we hung out and every time we spoke on the phone during that time it was like walking on air, and when he finally moved back to LA and was sans girlfriend it just happened so naturally, we just CLICKED. And I really and truly believed that all of my dreams had come true, that this was going to be my life, and it was going to be perfect. I just KNEW it inside.
For a while, I wondered if it's all still going to happen, that maybe he'll get over whatever it is he's going through, maybe he'll get over it and do all the "right" things and make me want to come back. Or maybe I'll take off a coat of armor and make the phone call first, and put myself out there, and make it safe for both of us.
But other days I remember that it wasn't me who left when the going got tough. I was cut out. I was pushed away. And I'm still waiting for some words or actions that let me back in. I don't want to be with someone who goes back and forth about wanting to be with me. I don't want to be with someone who sends mixed messages about loving me. It needs to be painfully obvious that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. Isn't that how it should be?
More recently, I've come to realize that he is absolutely NOT who I want to be with. He broke up with me all of a sudden, without trying to work on issues we had. He asked to get back together, but then didn't make a single attempt to win me back. He asked to meet me in person, but then backed out because he couldn't "muster the strength of heart" to see me. Yet two weeks later, he is able to go to a party with over two hundred people and completely ignore me. Dude is CLEARLY showing that he does not want me back. I do not want to be involved with someone on any level if that is how I am going to be treated.
I saw his mom today and she loves me and also can't figure it out, and it's good to know that even his family thinks he's a shit.
So I'm done. D-O-N-E done. Officially. Happy New Year.
I wonder if this is it, if this is really who I'm meant to be with, because I know that even if I wait a year to meet in person, that chemistry will still be there, and I'll fall back in love all over again. I know that the in-person amazing will never go away. A huge part of me thinks maybe it's the most important thing. That I thought about him for two years before we got together, that every time we hung out and every time we spoke on the phone during that time it was like walking on air, and when he finally moved back to LA and was sans girlfriend it just happened so naturally, we just CLICKED. And I really and truly believed that all of my dreams had come true, that this was going to be my life, and it was going to be perfect. I just KNEW it inside.
For a while, I wondered if it's all still going to happen, that maybe he'll get over whatever it is he's going through, maybe he'll get over it and do all the "right" things and make me want to come back. Or maybe I'll take off a coat of armor and make the phone call first, and put myself out there, and make it safe for both of us.
But other days I remember that it wasn't me who left when the going got tough. I was cut out. I was pushed away. And I'm still waiting for some words or actions that let me back in. I don't want to be with someone who goes back and forth about wanting to be with me. I don't want to be with someone who sends mixed messages about loving me. It needs to be painfully obvious that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. Isn't that how it should be?
More recently, I've come to realize that he is absolutely NOT who I want to be with. He broke up with me all of a sudden, without trying to work on issues we had. He asked to get back together, but then didn't make a single attempt to win me back. He asked to meet me in person, but then backed out because he couldn't "muster the strength of heart" to see me. Yet two weeks later, he is able to go to a party with over two hundred people and completely ignore me. Dude is CLEARLY showing that he does not want me back. I do not want to be involved with someone on any level if that is how I am going to be treated.
I saw his mom today and she loves me and also can't figure it out, and it's good to know that even his family thinks he's a shit.
So I'm done. D-O-N-E done. Officially. Happy New Year.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
new years day
Yesterday I went down to Fullerton to visit the Cutest Kid Ever and his mom. It was perhaps the most perfect day of my vacation, and an excellent way to start the new year. We slummed around the living room for a few hours, snacked on popcorn and Kool-Aid, watched some Blues Clues, visited Starbucks and Old Navy, and then ate pasta with the movie Wedding Crashers. Oh, and also Charlie tried out my new car:
(Like me, he was impressed with the sporty dashboard.)
(Like me, he was impressed with the sporty dashboard.)
Monday, January 01, 2007
happy new year
Six Jello shots, two vodka drinks, and eight hundred handfulls of Chex Mix later, it is 2007! Have successfully passed into the New Year. I will not be doing my traditional Year In Review because I don't want to go back and be reminded. This new year is all about the NEW. New car, new clothes, new pictures in my living room, new eating habits (chocolate for lunch and dinner), new TV schedule...
Also I've decided that I'd like to spend next New Years Eve in a bed, watching movies, eating popcorn, and toasting midnight with a glass of champagne. (Ideally with a fine male specimen next to me.)
Also I've decided that I'd like to spend next New Years Eve in a bed, watching movies, eating popcorn, and toasting midnight with a glass of champagne. (Ideally with a fine male specimen next to me.)
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