reflection

On the plus side, my students do think I'm the coolest thing ever, but I severly lack adult companionship. Seven hours a day with ten year olds and not another adult, and my new roommate is a bitch. There is just too much lesson planning to be done right now, and I feel like honestly I'm not sure my students are really learning anything. Because I'm not really teaching good stuff. Obviously the biggest barrier to their education is Open Court, and the first two hours of every day I feel is a complete WASTE.

I can tell I'm just barely holding on because Jerm just left my apartment and I started crying because I don't want to be alone. Most of the week I feel really good about teaching and what I'm doing and feeling in control, but the other part I feel a little like I'm swimming against the tide. Like I know that as a teacher there will always be more that I could be doing, making my lessons better and better, that even when I'm a veteran teacher I will attempt to further perfect, but right now I feel like I'm just trying to hit "adequate" and that's a struggle. I can't figure out what it is, because we are all really prepared and ready to be in a classroom. Perhaps it's the total lack of support and the feeling that I'm doing EVERYTHING completely by myself. And that no one is watching to tell me if any of it is good, so I have to continue blindly, hoping for the best not really knowing what it is supposed to look like.

I'm going to stop now and go to sleep because my brilliant mother has a rule that you can't make decisions or stress about things past seven pm because you are too tired and can't think straight. I'm trying to remember that, it's part of my new Mental Health Plan. The MHP also includes: eating lunch outside of my classroom every day, leaving school by four, taking a nap as soon as I get home, and reading an adult book (not kiddie lit) before I go to bed. The Mental Health Plan also stipulates that I can't stress about things I have no control over, like the boy - to - girl ration of the class (sixteen to seven) or my future with a certain beautiful someone.

It's really hard living day to day.

exhausted

It's a sad, sad day when you can't stay up past nine.

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