dear Dr. Freud,

Last night I had the strangest dream.

I was hanging out with Rachel Miller, an elementary school friend of mine who I don't talk to anymore. We were at Camp, and I cut my elbow, so she rooted around the medicine cabinet to find some antiseptic. I lay down on a bed, and Rachel leaned over me to apply the antiseptic, when ---

Lo and Behold, she spilled a whole package of sewing needles into my vagina!!!


Isn't that the strangest thing? We had to use tweezers to get them all out.

craft project extravaganza

This is the project I followed from NotMartha,
Which I found through LeaPeah Peehead,
Who was mentioned by Dooce.

This was one of the funnest projects I have ever done. Maybe because I got to spend quality time (four days) with Tova. Maybe because we talked about boys the whole time. Maybe because I LOVE TO CRAFT.

Nicole's Fun Set

Thousands of millions of glass marbles

Sasha's Brown and Pink and Braff set

Benja's Classy Black and White set (with a touch of Benjamin Franklin)

Jeremy's Fun and Dirty set

balancing the checkbook

This morning, after an incredibly long two-hour breakfast and Elle magazine catch up, I balanced my checkbook. For some reason, this task takes me HOURS. I use Quicken, which is a fun little computer toy that makes inputing receipts and reconciling bank statements really exciting. Seriously. But it still takes me years, perhaps because I read every grocery list fully before typing it in. Also I make little piles on my desk of special records -- what to split with roommates (household and alcohal), medical bills to get reimbursed, etc. And then because I am anal, I staple all the receipts to the statement, file that, and then print and file the Quicken report seperately. This is all because of a story I heard from a coworker whose suitcase was lost during travel, but was reimbursed by the airline two thousand dollars when she provided receipts of the missing clothing.

Balancing four months worth of receipts has yeilded some interesting memories, including:

• That time in August when I was making money. Sigh...
• That time in Peru when I got a counterfeit 100 note
• That time in September when gas was $2.96 a gallon FOR THE CHEAP KIND
  
• Before school started when we had a heat wave and I walked to Ralphs to buy a twenty-four count box of popsicles (and sixty dollars cash) which I finished after two days
• That time I went crazy at Gap and bought fourteen silk ribbons because they were pretty and on sale, but it was so worth it because as I was standing in line with the bunch dripping from my hand, the lady behind me asked if I was a stylist.
• Starting up Yoga Booty Ballet again with Sasha
• Why is my printer paper half an inch longer than my bank statement paper?

Ahhh, the holidays. All that vacation really gives you time to reflect on your year.

baby charlie

cutest kid ever, bar none.

scared of santa

This has to be my new favorite online photo gallery:

The Scared of Santa Photo Gallery.

Makes me wish I were Xtian.

parents gossip. a lot.

I finally told my mom tonight. I was like, "Oh, by the way, I have a boyfriend. I thought I should tell you."

When she asked who it was, I told her, and she goes, "OH! I THOUGHT so!!," and then goes on to tell me how when she called from DC a few days ago, we were talking to each other in the background, and she thought it was suspicious that he was over at 10:30 in the morning, being that I am a lazy sloth and don't rise from bed before noon, and how she told my dad, and he said it was no indication of anything, but she argued that it definitely was out of the ordinary.

MY PARENTS DISCUSSED THIS EVEN THOUGH IT HAPPENED OVER THE PHONE WHILE MY MOM WAS IN WASHINGTON DC?!?!?. Which meant either a) She immediately phoned my dad to share her suspicions, or b) My possible love life merited a conversation three days later when my parents were reunited in person.

God, they have no lives.


(Mind you, when we had that initial DC phone conversation, she mentioned nothing after "Oh, who are you talking to?," just kept yabbering on about the monuments and museums. The Boy was sure that she had wised up and figured it out, but I kept insisting that she miscalculated the time difference and therefor wasn't phased that I had a boy over so (relatively) early in the morning. Look which one of us knows my mom better.)

the sound of sarcasm

Abbey and I watched The Sound of Music last night on TV. It was sweet. We were incredibly cynical. Abbey's hits:

"Oh! This is the part where they make sweet, passionate love! And by that, I mean they're going to kiss with their mouths closed."

"Do you think they're going to have sex now, or wait 'till they're married?" (this about Gayorg and the Baroness)

Chrismakkah

One of my favorite forwards: The Difference Between Christmas and Channukah

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts*, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.
   
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.
   
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
   
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
   
7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
   
9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
   
10. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
    
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
    
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Yossela, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the number of my shrink".
    
13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!

slow day for the tokyo times

cloud nine

"I was just thinking about you...

for no apparent reason other than I do that a lot now."

philosophy of ed

A few days ago, I discovered an artist who created a drawing every single day of the year as a sort of record of his experiences, questions, and knowledge gained. His art was full of vibrant colors, facial expressions, and words. Some days he drew life-like figures and faces, while other days he doodled and made lists. At the end of the year, he compiled his art into a book. This type of creative reflection is the sort of project I want to have in my classroom.

I believe that the purpose of education is to produce capable, productive, and thinking community members. Children need to be taught literacy and math skills, but they also need to know how to examine the world around them. Schooling should provide children with the three Rs as well as critical thinking and problem solving skills. Additionally, children should feel safe and cared for at school. They should expect to enter their classroom every morning and be greeted by a happy and qualified teacher.

I want to create a classroom environment that stimulates curiosity. I want my students to look at the natural world and ask questions. I want them to hear stories from history and wonder what happened next. I want them to think about events and characters in books long after they have finished reading. I want my students to be curious about their classmates sitting beside them. I believe that it is my job as a teacher to sustain the natural curiosity in children and teach them how to find answers. I am a very curious person myself, and hope that my own love of learning will be infectious.

I want to reward creativity in my class. I want to integrate art, music, and dance into the mandated curriculum. I believe children can learn through music and art and performance as well as through text and lecture. As Assembly member Jackie Goldberg explained in our Cultural Diversity panel, the world of today doesn’t value memorization or rote knowledge. The world of today demands that people be able to be creative problem solvers. When faced with a problem, a student should be taught to think of several solutions and evaluate them based on their ease, cost, potential popularity, etc. Creative thinking is an extremely important skill, and it should be used in school. Integrating multi-media projects into the curriculum, as did the affluent professional schools mentioned in Literacy with an Attitude, nurtures creative thinking.

Most importantly, I believe the classroom is a place where children practice being part of a community. School is where children are socialized, learn principles of justice, and practice being a productive part of society. School is where children should be able to share their culture and history and learn to appreciate the other people in their community. Simple things like classroom decor, job charts, and group rituals can establish a friendly and cooperative atmosphere in which students can thrive. I want to create a classroom culture of celebration, where birthdays, personal achievements, and whole class accomplishments are honored.

A regular creative reflection project can combine my personal values– curiosity, creativity, and community– with the principles of social justice and cognitive learning theory. In addition to giving students a forum to express their thoughts and emotions, the creative reflection also allows them to comment on world events and curricular topics. It also allows them to ask questions about or express dissatisfaction with the status quo– a skill I have come to value from my TEP classes. Reflecting on one’s own experiences is a key principle of cognitive theory. I believe that being able use art and written language will facilitate the reflection process. We are always better off providing more opportunities for children to think.

Broke-heart Mountain

I just got back from Brokeback Mountain and boy was that good. I cried and cried and cried and the last thing I want to do is finish my paper. What I really want to do is go up to Wyoming on a horse and tell Jake Gyllanhal that I love him, because Heath Ledger couldn't do it himself.

Movies have this insane power over me. Whenever I watch an emotional movie, I transfer those feelings to my own life, even though MOVIES ARE FAKE. But they are totally cathartic in that they let you feel, really feel, if you can't in real life. I'm always inclined to tell people dangerous things when I get out of a real tear-jerker. After I saw The Family Man, I nearly called up Nick to propose marriage.

I must distance myself from the cell so I don't tell the Boy things that might scare him away.

we're all poets, we are

Back in the day, when he was in 7th grade or so, my little brother wrote this delicious piece, modeled after William Carlos Williams' This is Just to say:

This is just to say

I have not done
my homework
that you told me to do

You obviously wanted me to do it
instead of going online
and talking to a friend

Forgive me
it was so fun
not doing homework
talking to my girlfriend
that I love so much

forwards, one step back

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use deodorant! -since it causes cancer, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from - nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Who's in charge around here?


(this one from my mum)

she's posting! it must be finals week!

WORST ANALOGIES EVER WRITTEN IN A HIGH SCHOOL ESSAY
from here

• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  Joseph Romm, Washington

• She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
  Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
  Russell Beland, Springfield

• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
  Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  Roy Ashley, Washington

• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
  Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
  Russell Beland, Springfield

• Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake
  Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  Unknown

• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
  Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

• Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
  Russell Beland, Springfield

• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  Jennifer Hart, Arlington

• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
  Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

• They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth
  Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  Russell Beland, Springfield

• The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
  Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
  Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

• The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
  Unknown

Based on an unoriginal article in the Washington Post.

stupor bowl

Wanna get psyched for the Super Bowl early this year?

You'll have to look somewhere else.

teacher interview

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:

"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

Well.....when do I start?"

behind closed doors

Spontaneous old-school Britney dance parties in our underwear. Possibly the number one benefit of my fabulous roommies.

Or perhaps being privy to comments like this:
"In TV shows, you always see the beginning of sex scenes, and then the end, like when they are rolling away from each other, but you never see those akward in between moments like when he's taking off the condom or when cum is dripping down your leg."

I have the best apartment ever.

how my mother signs her emails

"signed,

proud mother of a smart boy who won't work in school more than it takes to get a B"

Haiku for LiLo

The girls at GoFugYourself have outdone themselves again:

Lindsey Lohan's Haiku

sleeping-in poets society

He writes:

The time has come for you to arise
From your slumber that has closed your eyes
You need to fulfill your duty
And entertain me with your words and beauty
As I toil, your body does sleep
as I work, your eyes don't peek
But rest assured, that upon your wake
My psyche will feel an ache
knowing that i, in my office chair
can't compete with you, in your lair
As I don't get paid to write odes
I'm afraid that I must now go.
------------

I reply:

I woke at nine,
I called my doc,
I got a visit
at two o'clock.

I slept some more,
'till it turned ten,
it's safe to say
I'd do it again.

'Cuz every Wednesday,
Thursday, Fri,
I'm out of bed
at sunrise sky.

Before your lights
are even lit,
before your ass
is wearing pants,
before you yawn
and stretch and stand,
I'm driving to
South Central Land.

dream come true

I just found out that the Boy has TiVo. This is like a dream come true.

Literally.

tortoise and hippo

NAIROBI (AFP) - A baby hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on
the Kenyan coast has formed a strong bond with a giant male century-old
tortoise, in an animal facility in the port city of Mombassa, officials said.

The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about 300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down Sabaki River into the Indian Ocean, then forced back to shore when tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast on December 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him.

"It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a male tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems to be very happy with being a 'mother'," ecologist Paula Kahumbu, who is in charge of Lafarge Park, told AFP.

"After it was swept and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized. It had to look for something to be a surrogate mother. Fortunately, it landed on the tortoise and established a strong bond. They swim, eat and sleep together," the ecologist
added. "The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the way it follows its mother. If somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo becomes aggressive, as if protecting its biological mother," Kahumbu added.

"The hippo is a young baby, he was left at a very tender age and by nature, hippos are social animals that like to stay with their mothers for four years," he explained.

two hilarious and one sadly disappointing

Beedogs.com is the premier online repository for pictures of dogs in bee costumes.

Capture the breath of a loved one or friend and keep them close. Forever.

Digitally averaged 10 years of Playboy Centerfolds

sasquatch

I don't know whether to laugh or cry or fall in love all over again. I just spent the last hour on the computer, not taking a practice RICA test like I should, but researching Bigfoot.


TURNS OUT HE MIGHT BE REAL.

see here

and here

lockdown

Today in school we had a lockdown. Not a drill, a real lockdown. There were helicopters and sirens, and the doors all had to be locked with students inside. It was a real shame to miss recess. Shasha and I perused the contents of Holiday Inspirations Oriental Trading Company while waiting. We have decided to order 2 dozen Holy Bible Tins with Cross Shaped Mints as party favors for our next Jesus Loves Me bash.

items that would not be surprising for the Lostaways to encounter

• a giant gorilla
• daffodils
• talking mermaids
  
• a set dinner table (with champagne glasses)
  
• an eight-day supply of oil
  

ghetto fabu-lice

Yesterday I took an hour long nap in South Central Los Angeles in the middle of the day. In my car. On the street. In front of a middle school. It was awesome. I am so fucking badass.

When I got home, Miriam embraced me and exclaimed, "You know what?! It's been a whole year since you've gotten lice!!!"

If you don't already know, getting lice is just about the opposite from being a true badass. Getting lice sucks. I should know. I got lice TWICE last year. TWO WHOLE TIMES. Even though getting lice is somewhat out of your control, just like the hiccups and bad taste, it is still rather dehumanizing. I guess that's what you get when you work with dirty, smelly, little kids.

Next year my kids will be just as dirty and smelly, only with less money. They won't be able to afford Hair Fairies or what-have-you. I'm hoping and praying that I won't get lice again next year. I'd like to believe that my future students will be fierce and strong from their inner city experiences that lice won't even dare to come near them. What louse would want to inhabit the head of a kindergartener who remarked after his class came up with a name for a fictional character, "Kimberly? That's the name of my brother's parole officer!"