ooh! new music!

With my new car stereo set permanently to 93.5, the best station ever since KZLA left us, I have found an uplifting song to obsess over! It's by Nas, the son of God, a totally socially conscious awesome who changed my life senior year of college, first with "Made You Look" and then with "I Can" and then with the beautiful acoustic "Thugz Mansion." Then I found the inspiring "One Mic" and the incredible "Rewind" and was truly in love. Dude has got TALENT.

Anyways, his newest song is called "Can't Forget About You" and has a hook that reminds me of the 1940s, a time of swishy satin dresses and fancy updos, champaign and cigars, stand-up microphones on a spot-lit stange. An era in which I was not even an egg. I love it. Take a listen! I have about fourteen times today!

news

Number One: I finished A Million Little Pieces by James Frey the other day and immediately threw it in the trash. It made me feel like shit the entire time I was reading it. I had to take three breaks during the book, one of which was a month long, because I felt so rotton but I really wanted to know what happened in the end. Let me break it to you: Nothing even NEAR uplifting happens. After I finished I felt so bad about myself I was actually in fear of becoming a crack addict. As if it is a daily temptation, or something. After I threw it away I read the last volume of Series of Unfortunate Events in two sittings and felt much better about myself.

Number Two: I'm following Anna's advice and not doing anything until at least a week after I get back in school, so as not to confuse boredom with actual feelings. I also attempted to go to a bar by myself tonight, but it turned out to be less interesting than I thought. In the end, I walked out before getting a drink and ran into two old friends at Coffee Bean. Only one of them is kind of an ex-friend, and though I invited myself to sit down at their table, I wanted more than anything to be back at the bar counter. I'm glad I don't have to be her friend anymore.

Number Three: My mother and I are going movie hopping tomorrow, right after I add my new car to the insurance policy. We will be packing lunch, and she will be paying. I'm stoked.

bored beyond bored

I can't believe it's come to this, but for the past few days I've actually been bored to tears. Literally. My UCLA friends are all home celebrating Christmas. Shabbat Club people are all in the holy land. The Jew Crew has been here and there and off on mini vacations of their own, but anyways they are not really all that fun to be except as a group. Tova is here this week but has been busy making plans of her own, and the result is that I "get" to see her for the last three days of her two-week long visit. I have various chores and schoolwork to do around the house, but I cannot stand to be inside my apartment by myself anymore. I could be going to movies and museums by myself, but those things are no fun if you can't talk about it later with live human beings. I've been alone with my thoughts for ten days now, and that's pretty dangerous, because there are only so many times I should go over certain things in my head. When I lay down to sleep, I can't get those thoughts out of my head, because they haven't been replaced by anything remotely stimulating.

10 things I have learned from women

1. Non surgical breast enhancement techniques.
2. Sometimes a bad day is just a bad day.
3. How to give good head.
4. It's ok to love how you look.
5. Victoria's Secret.
6. The power of My So-Called Life.
   
7. Mascara and vaseline.
   
8. Dooce, Fugly, Couch, McSweeneys
   
9. Not everything is my responsibility.
10. Even the most put-together women fall apart.

I'm worried about the squirrels

This morning I visited the only establishment with tables open on Christmas day (Starbucks!) and graded my students' end of unit assessments. I miss them. Here are my favorite pieces. The prompt was to write about a plant or animal that lives in the city.

-------

A puppy pet =

A puppy pet is little he eats trach in the city or in a house he eat his own food he also eats food from the pepole and. He look brown he has his eyes blak and he has a tell and 4 legs. And he live in a city he may found a hole to live rite there. Or he may live in a trach can And he sleep in the nhight or at the afternoon. Or in a city he live in a house.

------

Raccoons is naste and do you kowe that thay eat fome the chash and do you kowe that thay got rabes thay got shop nase and thay can git in yowe homes isle and if you lef you lef uowe chash cane oupne the and if you see one you bater rnu as fast as you can and if uowe boder is otsoid you can col him and if he dot hi you you can go git him and that the and five m sowe the and. to Ms. Akmnem. I love you mom so, so, so, much.

{Translation: Racoons is nasty and do you know that they eat from the trash and do you know that they got rabies they got sharp nails and they can get in your homes unless and if you left you left your trash can open the and if you see one you better run as fast as you can and if your brother is outside you can call him and if he don't hide you can go get him and that the and five more so the end. To Ms. (total butchering of my name). I love you mom so, so, so, much.}

------

Squirrel

The squirrel eat nuts, fruits, acorns. The squirrel lives in the park and it lives on top of the trees. when it rains the squirrels have to find food so when it rains they won't have to go outside and look for it and they won't get sick. the squirrel adapts to the city by eating nuts.

------

ala
enormous
cozy
species

{Vocabulary words copied off the wall by my El Salvadorian student in place of his essay.}

safe?

There are so many things I have to get out but I'm scared to write them here for everyone to read. There are things that I want to say to him but shouldn't, there are things I am enraged about and things I am depressed about. There are things that freak me out and cause me anxiety. I used to be able to type them out and publish them on this website, because my thoughts then weren't directed towards any of the readers.

Sometimes I think about writing things here just so that they WILL be read and considered, and maybe it will change my life. But I'd also like to think that what we do comes from inside, and that I need to just wait and see what happens organically.

I don't want to lose any readers.
I don't want to lose my voice.

new car!

I GOT A NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!


(That's me off-roading in the jungles of West Los Angeles.) She is awesome and shiny and clean and quiet and fast and I love her. I'm going to name her Sally Ride, not after the astronaut, but after that song by the Commitments. Ride, Sally, ride...

Sadly, I can't drive her until Tuesday, because the whole world including my insurance company is closed for Christmas. So Sally will be hanging out in my parents' driveway for a few days, boozing it up and doing puzzles with my mom.

scrubs

I might have mentioned this before, but Scrubs is one of the best TV shows I have ever seen. And I'm pretty much an expert, seeing as I just finished watching my fifth episode today. (I really can't help it; it's on WGN and Comedy Central constantly.) I really can't get enough; I think about seven o'clock all day long. The thing about it is that even though it's a sitcom, it deals with situations and feelings that we've all had. Every episode centers around some issue that I've gone through in my life (and most I've gone through in the past two months). To wit:

• When your best friend gets in a relationship and you are left behind
• When a person you admire does something you absolutely can't condone
• When you have to give up important things to be there for your friends
  
• When the person you look up to doesn't pay you any attention
• When your friend's life is moving forward but yours is stagnant
• When something you really hope for doesn't come through
• When you fuck up in front of someone important
• When you fall for your best friend
• When those feelings aren't reciprocated
• When you are forced to choose between your significant other and career advancement
• When you have to break up with someone you love because you just want different things
• When you have a shitty day and nothing goes right
• When you are forced to be cordial to someone who stabbed you in the back
• When you fight with your best friend
• When you're more into a relationship than the other person
• When the new guy at work shows you up
• When you have to kiss ass to someone you hate
• When you mess up but don't want to admit you were wrong because of your pride
• When you are ready to make up after a fight but the other person is still mad

Of course, there are also good moments in the show, but the reason I like it so much is that at the end of every episode, the main character learns the same lesson: These Things Happen. Shit happens from time to time, and it happens to everybody. And that's why I'm drawn to (obsessed with) the show. I like that message, because it's true, and it's reassuring to see that other people struggle with the same problems.

Ashkenaz

Because JDate has some new rule that prevents you from viewing more than one guy's profile at a time, I have turned to OnlySimchas.com for my evening entertainment. It does not disappoint. Without even clicking my mouse ONCE, I have found the following amazingly Ashkenazikly named couples:

• Hershke & Chaya Rochel
• Sarah Gila & Yitzie
• Faige & Chaim
• Chayala & Yunti
• Toli & Hadassah
• Rechele & Hershy
• Avrumy & Devory
• Yoely & Malky

...And now there is nothing left to say.

love

As much as I love sitting on my couch and eating rum balls and drinking egg nog and watching TV (and man oh man, do I LOVE IT!!!) . . .

Well anyways, today I was watching a totally sappy movie, one that is pretty lame so I don't want to even mention the title, but it just made me want to be in love again, like completely head over heals, nothing can happen to me love. I want to feel that floaty, on the clouds happy. That safe love feeling where you trust your heart and really believe that it is the best thing that has ever happened to you.

I miss that.

been laughing

I just saw the best thing on TV, a commercial for Extras, that Ricky Gervais thing that I've never seen but tell people is funny, and he's standing there talking to a woman, trying to impress her really, and he suavely gestures to make a point, but in his hand is a bottle of sparkling water, and then while still speaking he opens the bottle, only it starts exploding all over the place, SO HE STICKS IT IN HIS MOUTH. I guess he was at a loss as to what to do, but IT'S STILL EXPLODING AND HE STICKS THE TOP OF THE BOTTLE IN HIS MOUTH SO HIS CHEEKS GET ALL EXPLODY. !!! His face, it is a mixture of I'm Cool This Happens All The Time with Fuck Now What, and a little bit of Yes I Completely Agree With What You Just Said See Nothing Happened We're Still Having A Fascinating Conversation added in.

Does no one else find this absolutely hilarious? I swear, I jumped up off the couch to write this down I thought it was so great.


It totally reminds me of Rachelle, on our Thailand trip, when we were perusing a display of wooden phallic good luck charms, and she mimed giving a blow job. We all tried to hide our glee/embarrassment in front of the natives, but later Rachelle admitted that she saw it and just instinctively put it in her mouth.

Also, today, in the middle of a game of Around the World, one of my students sat on the lap of another student by mistake and it was HILARIOUS and I couldn't stop laughing. This sounds like another one of my stories that I crack up at before I finish telling and the punch line is just so not funny no one else gets it, but they all laugh anyways because I'm hysterical like an idiot over this image in my head. So let me give some details: Totally unfocused, out-to-lunch student, we'll call her Shmynna, she never ever knows what is going on around her (or two feet in front of her, which is where I stand, hoping to get one eighth of her attention). Then there's the new kid from El Salvador, we'll call him Shmoises, he speaks Spanish to himself most of the time because the rest of us are learning how to write multi-paragraph compositions, but he can play this game because he can do math and I understand numbers. He won the round and everyone is clapping and waiting for him to move on to the next kid, only he doesn't get it and sits down in his chair instead, just seconds before Shmynna sits down in that same chair. I'm trying to quiet everyone down so we can continue the game but the two of them are LAFFING with heads rolled back and arms sort of flaying around, and Shmynna laughs through her hiccups that she "sat on top of him!" like it is the FUNNIEST thing that has EVER happened to her, and after a beat I join them because it is freaking funny. And they're kids, and they do silly things, and we should laugh about it.

Speaking of, did you know that rats run ass fast?

a mid - december list

Interesting things keep flying my way. There have been a million moments between last week and now that I thought of writing about, but I just didn't have the inclination to sit in front of the computer. So now, instead of writing my thesis proposal, I will compile my second list of random thoughts this month.

• This is a super cool YouTube video that BJ sent me. It's stop-motion technology, what they use to make animation, only with live people.
• Today in class, in the middle of my reading George's Marvelous Medicine to the kids, one student blurted out, "My grandma got fake teeth!" I ignored her but later couldn't stop laughing at how awesome that was. I'm still laughing.
  
• This fabulous picture I confiscated from a student. "Darling," I said, "That is not appropriate for school." The artist immediately handed it over. She is the same girl who declared that she "wants to be Beyonce" when she grows up. It is now hanging proudly on my refrigerator. I'm still trying to figure out if the nipples are pierced or not.
  
  
• Sex and the City season one is now on On Demand, and it is absolutely fantastic. Mr. Big is such a complete asswipe. The only time I ever glimpsed what Carrie saw in him was in the series finale.
  
• The Dixie Chicks rock. I saw Shut Up and Sing the other night, and it is fantastic. Makes you realize there are a lot of people in this country with a lot of misplaced anger. Including major network NBC, who refused to air commercials for the documentary because it was disparaging to President Bush. Seriously?!?! Also makes you realize that your life is incomplete because you don't have the awesome hair and make up that the Chicks have for their tours. Then I went home and spent time really researching all the hoopla over The Quote, and realized that I want Natalie Maines to be my best friend. Introducing their song, "White Trash Wedding" last week, she quipped, "We'd like to dedicate this song to K-Fed. I don't think anyone is dedicating songs to him right now."

ball sweat

My little brother Aaron, aged sixteen and a half, has just disclosed that he wears his boxers six days in a row before putting them in the hamper. "It's not like I sweat, or anything," he claims.

This marks the second time this week I have thrown up in my mouth.

more random

Last night I dreamt that I was snorting coke and that my parents got remarried in a dingy basement in Boston. Two seperate dreams. Both of them between four thirty and six am. (For some reason the alarm clock in my head is set for Central Time.)

Also: seven more days until break.

Also: Hershey's has re-released Cherry Kisses and they are dreamy.

a random list for the month of december

Many things have happened since last week! Among them, these jewels:

• Old roommate Abbey has a wedding date planned, and pictures on Only Simchas! Very hilarious to see her posed NOT touching her fiance. I just really can't get over the shomer nagiah thing.
  
• I have had four consecutive good days in school. "Good" means that at the end of the school day I felt like I accomplished something, and there was a part of me looking forward to the next day, as opposed to the previous twelve weeks in which I ended the day thinking about a career change. This is a huge record.
  
• I have established December Goal Number One, which is to gain five pounds by the start of winter break.
• I went out dancing for the first time in FOREVER and it was fanfuckingtastic. The reunification of UCLA's Team Lane coupled with alcohal and three rhythmic gentleman made my weekend. It also got me slightly closer to December Goal Number Two, which is to make out with someone by the end of winter break.
• The Salt Lake City portion of the winter break road trip has been cancelled due to snow and poor visibility. We are working on an alternative plan. The requirements are a) cheap b) cheap c) crafting and liquor.
• My horrible roommate told me that she has been parking in the outside tandem spot to be a bitch. To spite me. To "teach me a lesson." And wow, did I learn it: I AM LIVING WITH A DOUCHEBAG.
  
• My newest favorite song is from this Libery Mutual ad. It is Half Acre by Hem. It's pretty depressing, but not in the same way that I am sad, so I can still listen to it over and over. The music is just really good. New obsession? It's too soon to tell.
• I have a committee!
• I ran into Ex-Friend at Camp on Sunday and she smiled up to me and tried to give my guarded and unresponsive body a hug. I said nothing and walked away immediately. Quite shocked. Completely don't know what to make of it, but luckily I don't care about her an inch anymore so we're not wasting sleep or anything.
  
• The moon was absolutely breathtaking Monday afternoon. It was rising in the east while I drove north on the freeway. It was big and white and round and full, and the sky was pinkish and bluish behind it. I remember thinking how clean it looked.
  

anniversary

This weekend marks the five week anniversary of:

1. The spontaneous break up
2. My twenty-fifth birthday
3. Re-best-friending with Rachel Canada, who always knows EXACTLY what to say and gives AMAZING advice and remembers the stories about everybody I have ever known including my five high school kissing experiences. She also appreciates a good curly mullet when she sees one. I am so glad that I met her in Israel and so happy that we have kept in touch for the past four years. Four years! I can't believe it's been that long. I am super excited to be visiting her and her Cancer Survivor Boyfriend (CSB for short) this spring!