not actually rude in real life

How to Avoid Contact by Friends and Colleagues at an Unavoidable Meeting:

• Arrive late.
• Wear a KILLER outfit so it appears as though you had to leave your amazingly busy life to sit through boring meeting.
• Sit in the back, in a corner.
• If approached, explain quickly that you are sick and don't want to get anyone else sick.
• Bring a water bottle and sip it.

adopted?

Which is worse -- that Aaron ordered Aladdin sequel Return of Jafar on Netflix, or that he ordered the third straight-to-DVD installment, Aladdin and the King of Thieves?


Cast your vote below.

can't touch this

Seven Things I Discussed With Old Roommate Abbey Who Is Now Shomer Nagiah:

1. She is Shomer Nagiah for reals.
2. She hasn't touched her boyfriend of four months, except for the other night when they "messed up."
3. She has a boyfriend.
4. Her boyfriend is African.
5. Her boyfriend is also Shomer Nagiah.
6. Being Shomer Nagiah is hard.
   
7. Queer As Folk Season Five blows because Brian and Justin don't get married in the end, and they only pop that on the viewers in the last five minutes of the series finale, even though they had been building up to that event for five whole seasons with hot sex and tender looks and major life-changing events.
   

no stranger than the rest of 'em

In addition to teaching in a low income community, I am required to exercise in one as well. I decided I would bike around the Rosecranz Park, which is located behind Trader Joes in Culver City. The park is a dusty, fenced-in, round peice of dirt. Rosecranz Park doesn't really exist in real life. My dad and I biked around the park for a while before running into the Rosecranz athletic supervisor, and old lady with crazy blond hair. When she stopped us, I realized my bike seat was way too high, as my shoes were several feet off the ground when fully extended. While I adjusted the seat, Crazy Hair Lady insisted that I was not eligible to work out at the park, and it took some time convincing her that I was allowed because of my university program. At which point, Rosecranz park filled up with babies! One of which was my little cousin, Ella! She walked towards me and latched on to my leg, but alas, this was also not allowed, and Crazy Hair Lady reprimanded me for being too friendly. I tried to explain that I was rescuing the baby from drowning. Couldn't she see all the water? Crazy Hair Lady didn't hear me because she was busy filling out paperwork. My dad just shrugged, like Whatchoo gonna do? Rosecranz park turned into a circus! With baby Ella on my lap, my dad and I watched the premier attraction: several giant, giant rats pulling two (normally horse-drawn) carriages towards each other. The rats were larger than people. The circus tent was full of cheering men. As we sat, transfixed, I remarked that the reins seemed awfully weak compared to the rats' apparent strength. My dad replied that actually, the rats pull and pull towards each other until one of their harnesses comes undone, at which point the rats lunge into the audience and eat people. I tightened my grip on the baby.



I interpret this dream to mean I am full of anxiety and need to get a job soon.

did you know they took inappropriate out of the dictionary?

Two brilliant conversations that took place between my mother and two younger brothers this past Saturday, after my LOVELY BOYFRIEND came over for Shabbat dinner:

The first was an unecessarily long debate about whether Jerm is Persian or not. Aaron obviously had an arsenal of reasons why he thought so: Jerm has dark skin. Mind you, my brother Aaron is so dark in his coloring as to look adopted. He has naturally tan skin, black hair, and zero freckles. He lacks common sense. My mother explained that no, his mother simply has dark skin as well. So he's not Persian. But actually, he looks like Aladdin. Aladdin the cartoon character. Benja agreed.


Conversation number two I can only relate as dialogue. Here I am, phoning up my mother:
ME: Hi, hi. How are you?
MOM: Fine, I'm here with the boys . . . [pause] . . . actually, maybe you can settle something for us.
ME: Sure, what?
MOM: Is it OK to wear two condoms at once?
[awkward pause]
ME: No. The friction between them might cause it to break.
MOM: Right. OK, here, tell your brother. [shuffling in the background]
AARON: Hello.
ME: Seriously?!
AARON: So what do you think?
ME: Aaron, you can't wear two condoms at once! That's the first thing you learn!!! They rub against each other!!!
AARON: But no! I don't think there would be that much friction, against the two condoms anyway, and think of it this way: it's just like wearing a thicker condom.
ME: No! Oh, Aaron, please, you can't do that.
AARON: I didn't do it, I've never done that, I'm just saying, wearing two condoms at once makes it better protected.
[random chopping noises, shuffling]
MOM: Ok, he doesn't believe you.
ME: Why not?
MOM: Well, we were having a debate, and Benja said you can't, and Aaron said you can, and we were going to pick you as a reference, but then they decided that you weren't enough of an authority. So Aaron is going to write an email to Trojan for the real answer.
ME: Why don't you just read the package?
MOM: This is what we decided, that he's going to email Trojan. Let him write an email. Then he'll believe them.
ME: I'm going to finish my walk.
MOM: Bye!

sweet

Oh, dear website, I've neglected you lately. Here is a treat from postsecret just for you:

love, pt two

You know that commercial where the guy and the girl are in some plaza in Italy or Paris and they kiss and then he takes a step back and yells to the sky and the crowd, I LOVE THIS WOMAN!?

That's pretty much how I feel all the time, only I would yell I LOVE THIS MAN or maybe I LOVE THIS BOY because I'm not too fond of the word 'man' but the idea is the same, which is that after nine months I'm still totally and completely crazy in love with my darling boyfriend.

This past weekend we hung out a lot and watched Arrested Development and Weeds and sampled food at the TofuFest and Palisades Farmers' Market and went to an awesome concert and made dinner and cupcakes. Other highlights include making out shamelessly at lame Lucky Strike and being pummelled by wiffle balls in my living room. When Nicole asked me what I did this weekend, I had to work hard to form actual sentences made up of words, instead of just staring into space with a goofy grin on my face. I kinda wanted to shout out my refrain from above, but it was late and the windows were open and there is a new baby living upstairs, but you should know that that was what I was yelling on the inside.

New Roommate woe

I guess I'm going to have to treat New Roommate like a China doll, because it appears as though I'm progressively breaking her soul with my every behavior. When I invited people over to watch a movie and didn't clear it with her first, I got an offended email. (I should have included her in the evite, I should have considered that she was having a stressful week at school and wouldn't want to return home to a living room full of people.) When she woke up in the morning and her long-awaited-for apple was eaten and in its place was a rotten specimen, I got an offended note*. (She has told us before not to eat her food, she doesn't have time to go grocery shopping very often.) When I asked her to clean up the glitter she left on the living room floor and couch last night, I got an offended personal request for apology. (I should have said Hello first, I should have given her a day to clean it up just like she gave me a day to move my shopping bags and to wash my dishes.)

This girl really has to realize that you give and you take when you live with other people. Sometimes you have to LET GO. Not everything is going to be up to your standards, because we all have different standards. I haven't said anything back except "sorry" because I don't want to do the whole tit-for-tat thing. In fact, the glitter request was the FIRST request I have made in the two monthes we've been living together. I was hoping that the hysteria would die down as we got closer as friends. But now, I wonder, when do the little things add up to become a bigger issue?

And also, leaving glitter on the floor is not the same as leaving shopping bags on the floor. Glitter gets stuck to shoes and feet and hands and books, gets tracked into other rooms, and is a bitch to wash off your hands. The dishes in the sink are sometimes hers.



*Sublet Roommate and I are sure that we did not eat her "last apple" and that either New Roommate ate it and forgot or left it to rot.

love

Augusten Burroughs says it perfectly in Possible Side Effects:

At moments like this, I wish I could somehow open a door and have him step inside my head so that he could know how fully I adore him. After all these years with him, my feelings only become stronger every morning, when I look at him. I watch him pee sometimes and I actually sigh with joy because I won him, somehow.