whiz! bang! plop!

Great article about Roald Dahl in Slate today. Have I told you how much I love his books? I force them on my students every year and not one child has ever been displeased.
Read it here.

here is someone

More bits of wisdom from meaghano, my new favorite person:

Maybe a good way to know if you love a man is to try to imagine living on a farm and having babies with him

Do you die of laughter?

Rethink.

My aunt came in from Alaska, with tales of “predatory lesbians,” and hitting a moose with he family van (it died because it was 30 below and the blood froze him to the ground).

I love how in airplane bathrooms you can see exactly how much you pee.

unrequited crush

So I was ass over elbows for this kid for pretty much the rest of my adolescence, and eventually we became friends because I sort of leveled up in popularity self-esteem after quitting Girl Scouts and refusing to wear glasses and reading all of my mom’s Anatomy books so that I told everyone I knew everything I knew about fuckin and then got kicked out of the gifted program because I had a mouth like a sailor and was generally too much of a badass.

My heart just melted. This girl is SOMETHING. Go read the rest.

at least the class average was ninety percent

Test question: Why is it important to know homophones?

It is important to homophones because you want to wich is wich.

It is important to know because when you write one homophone but how do you the difference in those three or two.

So that you don't get confused and right the wrong thing in a sentence.

Personally I think its important because your sentences and grammars wouldn't make sense.

how do you respect this????

Today, Blackberry coworker came to me about our lunch supervision arrangements. I answered her question. She wondered some more. I answered again. Then she said something that implied she wasn't clear on the whole "duties" part of the arrangement. Annoyed, I asked her if she had read "that email" about lunch supervision.

(The one in which our principal clearly explained that due to a student's broken arm, ALL staff were now on lunch duty every day, and that she and I were specifically on yard and cafeteria duty during those times. An extra teacher was to be supervising a games room at this time as well, but that teacher was SOMEONE ELSE.)

Blackberry looked at me with a straight face and proclaimed that SHE DOESN'T READ THE PRINCIPAL'S EMAILS ANYMORE.

So then of course I got exasperated and Blackberry walked away because I was hurting her feelings.

I know it was this because when she came back several minutes later, it was to accuse me of talking down to her. Me? Talking down to her? Are you fucking kidding me? How does one say that with a straight face? She said it like this: "Why can't you just tell me in a nicer way?" (To which I replied, "It is not my job to tell you what is in your emails.")

Later in the day she sent me an email explaining that she doesn't not read all of them, rather, she selectively ignores emails because she is mad that the principal keeps misspelling her name.

Head on desk...

Ever tried, ever failed, no matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

Samuel Beckett

pinata

This is brilliant because not only is there a pinata perched energetically atop several tupperware containers, but the sign right next to it requests that nothing be placed on top of the closets overnight.

...Sigh. I work in a weird church.

joy!

Is it terrible that I feel awesome because we just got our first drafts of report cards and there were several teachers who did not manage to write comments in time but I DID?!!?!?

It gives me much joy to succeed where others fail, particularly if "others" are "assholes." Like today, when the principal came into lunch duty twice, looking for the Blackberry-bearing coworker who was curiously out of the room both times. Or this morning, after the stubborn Bully insisted that we dismiss our students at a time NOT written on the schedule, (despite this being his first day on morning duty and my fortieth or so), the principal wrote everyone an email about the real dismissal time (the one written on the schedule, whadyaknow).

It is so hard to be hands off about it, but I guess they will all fail on their own anyways.

deleting firefox tabs

First of all, Pomplamoose:


Second of all, Man Cold:


Lastly, brilliant Twilight summary. (I'm peeing my pants excited for New Moon.)

dogs?

Something amazing about my students is that they can't seem to hear my teacher bell when I ring it and ring it and ring it and ring it, THAT LOUD CLANGING SOUND, they continue talking or working or walking aimlessly around the classroom, but the second the classroom phone whimpers out a pathetic, muted tone, like "...beep...," all twenty five ears perk up and alert me.

The other day I overheard two boys complaining about me, like why can't I ever hear the phone? And I laughed because of course I can't hear it, it's set to number two and you freaking students can't write your names without making commentary, but my bell? My bell is the loudest, most annoying bell sound, yet even when I am standing next to you with my hand on your shoulder, even when we are making eye contact, even when you are watching me shake that metal thing in my hand, you somehow fail to respond.

how to break up

Inspired by Benja, who is already in a rebound. I told him I'm not so great at boy problems but I am good at getting over breakups, so here are some pearls of wisdom:

• There is nothing better than a new guy to get over an old guy. Nothing. It can be ten months and you'll still be pining but ten minutes into your new crush and you'll forget you ever cared about whatshisface.
• Remove all evidence from your house. Take down pictures, put away notes, stop playing those CDs. I know you kind of want to torture yourself, but it's better to just make it disappear. In place of all the old junk, put new junk. Frame pictures of friends, sharks, things that make you laugh. You can keep your nostalgia in a box, but keep it out of sight.
• Don't go places where you think he might be. Your younger friends will tell you that you shouldn't let him affect your life, but your older and wiser friends will tell you that you shouldn't twist the knife in your own back. Stay away. Find a new bar.
• Enlist one friend to keep up on the dirt and disclose any and all information about the former guy. You don't need more than one. Shut up about him with everyone else. They'll think you're over it and treat you like you're over it, which is what you need. They'll start introducing you to new people, talk about happy things, be an escape. Pretty soon it won't be an act.
  
• Remember that every time you have a break up, it gets easier to get over it.