I only know this song because of a capella

Jenny's Alternate Numbers:

867-5306 (cell)
867-5307 (work)
867-5308 (pager)

...and full circle

My routine for the last few days has been:

1. Come home, immediately change into sweat pants and Benja's big, furry sweatshirt that I demanded he give me while I'm on a boyfriend drought
   
2. Play on the internet while eating junk food
   
3. Work on thesis/lesson plans/laundry (it's either/or, never all three)
4. Watch Friends and That 70s Show reruns
   
5. Eat dinner/shower/make lunch for tomorrow/bitch to my roommate about life and/or sex (again, either/or)
   
6. Fuck myself for not paying bills/sending emails/depositing tax return/making lunch for tomorrow/working on thesis
7. Play on the internet in bed because if I have a laptop I have to make full use of it
   
8. Go to sleep
   

Today, while on Stage 7, I found this site: BINGO card generator!! It made me so excited. That's probably what I'll be cursing about tomorrow during Stage 6.

Vicious cycle. I bet you're pretty jealous of my life right about now.

"I'm into Clippy..."

I know Dooce totally found this first, but I think it is the funniest video ever. Clippy is genius, and the Bar Mitzvah trope in the middle of jacking off is priceless.

http://www.phonesexpranks.com/

Memorial Day Weekend

I called in some booty on Friday night and it was way easier (and more fun) than I thought it would be. He was embarrassed to walk from my shower to my bedroom with a towel in case the roommates saw, and so he put on all his clothes to take four steps and then take them off again. What he doesn't know is that first of all, my roommates are not idiots, and second of all, I obviously told them the second he went home.

The other day I had a dream that I was electrocuted. I was standing in a giant fish tank, water up to my knees, and about to plug in the filter, when ZOOM! A GIANT SHOCK WENT THROUGH MY BODY! I felt it and said to myself, oh shit self, I am about to die. I'm not so into this right now. Let me take a giant breath and push myself out of the water. . . . and woke up.

I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 3 with my non-boyfriend BJ last night. It was exactly what I expected: totally sucky. The upside was that n-b bought a giant bag of Reeses Pieces and let me take the extras home.

I got carded at Hustler last weekend. You have to be eighteen to shop there. I am twenty-five. I have not aged since the ninth grade. My prom dress still fits me perfectly.

Memorial Day is is one of my favorite holidays because it heralds the coming of summer. It pretty much means the school year is over. I've been on an academic calendar since kindergarten, so I'm kind of an expert in this. Summer is the best part of the year BY FAR. This summer promises to be lots of lazy fun, including but not limited to: parties and beaches with Nicole, go-go dancing training with Sierra, college friends Liz and Dale, a new baby cousin, The Netherlands, and possibly a jaunt to Mexico to visit the homes of some of my current students. I nearly forgot -- I pledge to sleep an average of seventy hours each week this summer. It's all I can do to give back.

in my inbox:

an awesome site

emily, post more!

Ode to Butter Lettuce

Damn.
You're so tender and sweet
I don't even have to chew.
That's how smooth you go down baby.
You rock my world.
And when it's over
I get to say-
Yeah,
I ate the whole head.

an average Tuesday

Today our coordinator walked into the room and requested two students to complete their make up tests. (They had been absent.) After they left, one of my girls looked at me quizzically and asked, "Why are they taking a test about make-up?"


Awww. More importantly, I CAN DOUBLE DUTCH!!! I can even jump in! I finally did it this week!!! My athletic prowess knows no bounds!

no immune system to speak of

Why do I have a fucking cold AGAIN? It's been four days since I finished antibiotics, jesus. What do I have to do, sleep for TEN hours every night? Nine isn't enough? Take TWO daily multi-vitamins? Eat a steady diet of oranges and tofu? Make a sacrifice at the head of a volcano?

What the fuck, this totally isn't fair.

you can tell I'm wise by the freckles on my nose

from Craigslist:

Let me be totally honest. I am not looking for someone average. I am not average. I am not interested in anything average. Ever. Most certainly not an average relationship or an average woman.

I am looking for nothing less than an AMAZING WOMAN. Someone to get serious with, someone who knows who she is and what she deserves. Someone who has self-respect and self-love, someone who has something to say, a beautiful smile, a sexy body, someone who can move gracefully through life, be gentle, seductive, faithful and wise.

You know who you are.

Reply with picture only.

songs to avoid on mother's day

If you're planning on giving Mom the gift of music this Mother's Day, there are a few do's and don'ts. For example, Boyz II Men's 'A Song for Mama'? A do. Nirvana's 'Rape Me'? A don't.

anger

I am still filled with anger towards J. A lot of people say they just want their exes to be happy, but I really want him to be miserable. I don't wish bad things upon him, because I don't wish bad things on anyone, I think that's a bad idea in the karmic sense, but I do hope that for whatever reason, he is desperately unhappy with himself and his life for a long time.

I never used to be an angry or spiteful person, so I know most of these feelings are from him. How he treated me with zero respect and caring when he broke up with me. He did it in such a way that you would turn down a second or third date, with no warning and little explanation. It was completely one-sided, as if I hadn't been in his life every single day for the previous year. It was completely selfish, as if I didn't deserve my thoughts to be of any consideration. That's one reason for the anger.

The other reason is hard to articulate. And when I think about it I feel the anger welling up inside me, a big feeling that hurts my chest and my heart. I'm so sad for what could-have-been, for what I really thought was our future. I truly believed, felt it inside, that we would be together. Everything was perfect, everything was working, it just seemed meant-to-be. We totally clicked. His family adored me. And I'm not being naive in saying things were perfect -- apparently he felt like something was wrong at some point (who the fuck knows when that started, I certainly don't) -- but nothing showed, nothing was ever mentioned or hinted at, so much so that I and his family and even his best friends assumed we would get married. I felt like I had hit the jackpot.

I hate him for taking that away from me. It feels like The Pilot's Wife, like I one day discovered that my lover had a secret second life, that everything I knew to be mine and real was now a lie.

fantastic day

We didn't do much in class today.

First we had Community Circle. (Show-and-Tell with feelings.)

Then we did testing. (Peace and Quiet.)

Then we did fruit punch and rugelach for getting through the first week of testing.

Then we did recess.

Then we did writing. Which was really the only "academic" practice my students engaged in all day. And included my biggest "aha!" moment. Right now all of our posters on the cabinets and walls are covered with butcher paper so kids can't use them on the test. During writing time, one girl asked me to lift up a certain cover so she could see how to spell "handsome." I tell you, it was the greatest feeling ever. Not that she wanted to use the word, but that she remembered it was written on the wall! It doesn't sound big, but to a teacher it's huge that a student actually uses the references you provide.

Then we did making salsa. (Harvest of the Month for May is salsa, which is not so much a harvest. More like a recipe.)

Then we did lunch.

Then we did skits about peer pressure for Too Good For Drugs.

Then we played games during Game Time.

Are they ready for fourth grade? Probably not. Oh WELL.

antm

Today one of my students told me I should go on America's Next Top Model. It felt awesome.

I thanked her and laughed and told her I would rather use my brain.

what a bitch

Aww shucks, my little brother's girlfriend just dumped him spectacularly, one week before they are to go to prom together, a month before they will be working side-by-side at the same summer camp, and a semester before he joins her at SF state.

What the hell, right?

May music

I have my first major "find" on the inherited ipod. It didn't come from me shuffling, I hate to have to confess to that, but rather from my father wheeling through and pointing out what songs he knew. He is a huge blue-grass fan, and he forced me to listen to Nickel Creek's Smoothie Song on the Austin City Limits Music Festival 2003 album. It's an amazing fiddle song. I pretended to be bored, but when he went home, I lay on my drool-soaked strep pillow and listened on repeat for half an hour. Finally I moved on the the rest of the album, which is pretty awesome, too. My second favorite song is Different Light by Steve Winwood. And then Melancholy Love by Abra Moore. She is kinda Norah Jones-ish.

Also, BJ burned me Amy Winehouse's latest. Gosh, I just love her big ol' head. I mean voice.

More also, Benja found this gem online: Little Potato. We used to listen and sing about that little potato that lives underground fucking ALL THE TIME. It was his favorite song when he was like five years old. It's a sweet, darling song that actually still sounds good fifteen years later.

happy fifth of mayo

I HAVE BEEN AWAY!!

Not actually AWAY away, I've been in Los Angeles for the past week, but the most things happened in the past eight days than . . . most eight day periods.

First there was the new subletter calling and telling me he took another place, and could you please rip up the security deposit and rent checks.

Then there was me calling back informing him that no, his check was already deposited in the bank because the rent agreement starts in TWO DAYS.

Then there was some rapid Craigslisting and phone calling and finding a Better! boy to move into our apartment. My new roommate is awesome. I'm going to call him Mike, because that's his name. Even though I keep wanting to call him Matt. He is tall and skinny and came with some fish and a turtle and today we went out to eat at Versailles. He is already a TOP NOTCH roommate because he offered to chip in for kitchen sponges and soap and called me from Ralphs to ask if I wanted to eat tortellini for dinner and showed us how we could replace the deadbolt on our front door so people can't get in with their credit cards. Stephanie's contribution to household harmony was posting a sign on the thermostat telling us not to leave the heat on.

After that, I got strep throat. So you can imagine that I did not work on my thesis much. Instead, I missed two days of school and took four naps on each day. I also went to the doctor and when she pulled out the giant Q-tip to scrape the back of my throat, I started crying, so she said I didn't have to take the test. I have a severe phobia of throwing up, which is somehow related to the swab test that makes you gag. But I got drugs anyways. I got a big 'ole container of pink penicillin. And a squirty syringe. I asked for the kid kind because I am a baby like that, I can't swallow big pills. But I forgot that it's amoxicillin that tastes like bubblegum and penicillin that tastes like poison, so I've been regretting my decision and thinking maybe I shouldn't have been such a pussy.

And actually at the same time as all this drama, we cancelled cable (YAY!!!) which made our internet go out for a few days. Thank God I have this darling little laptop, so that I could mooch wireless off of my neighbor "Matt" when I sat at the dining room table just so. Thanks Matt! Maybe one day we'll meet! Maybe I'll find out that's not actually your name, just the name of your internet network!

In case you are wondering, during my sick period I swallowed approximately thirty five extra-strength Tylenol and only choked on one.

Just now I went out for Cinco de Mayo with BJ, my Friend Who Takes Me To Really Cool Bars As If I Were His Girlfriend But I'm Not. We found an Italian restaurant that had a mariachi band and confetti and chips and salsa. Or maybe "Antonio's" is a Mexican name. In any case, we had fun trying to talk above the guitara / violin / trumpet / singer / loudgroupofgirlsnexttous. And we had drinks! BJ had two very strong Margaritas and was very slurry. I had a virgin pina-colada (antibiotics) which was the best pina-colada I have ever had outside of Mexico or my aunt Naomi's wedding. Then we did poppers, not the drugs, but those little plastic bottles where you pull the string and it POPS! and confetti flies out. Then we went back to his house and I made a long list of iTunes that he has to iBurn me.

Tomorrow I will work on my thesis in earnest for it is due in FIFTEEN DAYS. (I will also work on the tub of Ben and Jerry's in the freezer so that new roommate Mike has room to put his frozen goods. I am so considerate that way.)