anger

I am still filled with anger towards J. A lot of people say they just want their exes to be happy, but I really want him to be miserable. I don't wish bad things upon him, because I don't wish bad things on anyone, I think that's a bad idea in the karmic sense, but I do hope that for whatever reason, he is desperately unhappy with himself and his life for a long time.

I never used to be an angry or spiteful person, so I know most of these feelings are from him. How he treated me with zero respect and caring when he broke up with me. He did it in such a way that you would turn down a second or third date, with no warning and little explanation. It was completely one-sided, as if I hadn't been in his life every single day for the previous year. It was completely selfish, as if I didn't deserve my thoughts to be of any consideration. That's one reason for the anger.

The other reason is hard to articulate. And when I think about it I feel the anger welling up inside me, a big feeling that hurts my chest and my heart. I'm so sad for what could-have-been, for what I really thought was our future. I truly believed, felt it inside, that we would be together. Everything was perfect, everything was working, it just seemed meant-to-be. We totally clicked. His family adored me. And I'm not being naive in saying things were perfect -- apparently he felt like something was wrong at some point (who the fuck knows when that started, I certainly don't) -- but nothing showed, nothing was ever mentioned or hinted at, so much so that I and his family and even his best friends assumed we would get married. I felt like I had hit the jackpot.

I hate him for taking that away from me. It feels like The Pilot's Wife, like I one day discovered that my lover had a secret second life, that everything I knew to be mine and real was now a lie.