Monday, January 29, 2007

music for the shortest month of the year

The most recent songs on my repeat-repeat-repeat list while I not-write my thesis:
  • Push by Pharoahe Monch
  • Wolf Like Me by TV on the Radio
  • Smile by Lily Allen
  • Roscoe by Midlake
  • Eanie Meany by Jim Noir

(All songs via Prefix's Best of 2006 list)

(The repeat list in my car is an altogether different story. I have three disks in heavy rotation: Wicked, Spring Awakening, and Avenue Q. All Broadway musicals. I know, What The Fuck, right?)

Editor's Note: I wrote my entire thesis rationale with "For Good" running through my head on a constant loop, the penultimate ballad of Wicked, the one in which the two witches look back on their mutual hatred with fondness. My thesis is on effective math instruction, and I am therefor sending it to be proofread by my father, to make sure it's not filled with crazy.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

scary, scary man


Look, I know I shouldn't judge books by their covers, but at the same time, there has to be something in the title, or the jacket, or the spine, or even in the font they used, that makes me want at least to check it out from the library and then leave it on my To Be Read pile until I have to return it to avoid late fees.

end of January

Some things I would write about if I weren't so busy honing my knitting skills and stuffing my face with calories:

  1. The nifty new All-in-One printer/copier/scanner my dad bought me last weekend.
  2. Which is sitting on my recently cleaned desk.
  3. Not necessarily cleaned so much as wiped off into the trash can. Inspired by Dooce.
  4. Today I made candied pummelo peel for my students. Let's be honest: A complete waste of time.
  5. My students definitely don't know how much time I put into their education. A good twenty-five hours each week outside of actual class time. And that doesn't include the time I spend watching TV but stressing over the preparation I should be doing.
  6. Speaking of, I would love to write a list of things my school lacks. This list would include a xerox machine, lined paper, and a P.E. teacher. And teachers' assistants. And a literacy coach.
  7. Why can't I gain weight? All I do is eat. And then all I hear about is how I've gotten so thin. When your friends are talking amongst themselves about your changing body, you know it's serious. It does not make me feel good about myself.
  8. Yoga Booty Ballet is amazing. I keep underestimating silly dancing. It really makes me happy.
  9. Today at YBB, I ran into someone I worked with at Camp years ago. We are going to become friends. The kind of friend that if I were still living with Abbey, she would shake her head in exasperation and wonder aloud how I have so many friends she has never heard about. She never fully accepted the fact that I know EVERYBODY.
  10. I got Abbey's wedding invitation in the mail. Which means, I guess, that the wedding really is going to happen, and that I better get on top of finding long-sleeved, knee-length formal wear.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

s.f.m.

The main reason I haven't been writing lately is that I am so fucking miserable. Over the summer and autumn I lost the people I spent all last year with, either because they moved or switched jobs or turned out to be an untrustworthy asswipe. That is one major reason that I am sad, and it's also the reason that it's so hard to snap out of it: I lost my support network. Ironically, the area of my life that is the least sad is my job. It's funny because that was what was keeping me up at night in the fall. But I've gotten into the groove of things, and though it doesn't bring me much satisfaction or joy (because it's so much work still), it at least keeps me on my toes. The depressing thing now is everything else in my life: the lack of friends; the hostile, dirty apartment; the transformation of my body into that of a twelve-year-old's; and saddest of all, the fact that I considered this past weekend "pretty good" because I didn't cry at all.

My mother asked me today Don't I have any hope that things will get better? I honestly don't. I'm pretty hopeless. I don't see how things could change in the next couple of months. I look forward to my weekend in Boston with the old roommies, my week in New York during spring break, and the month of July when I will be done with this year and can start all over somewhere else.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

bites

I am being eaten alive by a swarm of invisible mosquitos. These blood-thirsty creatures have been biting me for two weeks now, but I have yet to see a single bug in my house. They are either living in my bedsheets or in my chaise lounge, which is where I spend most of my time when I am home. Or they could be hiding in my Old Navy brown sweat pants, which are the best things to come between my legs and the frigid winter air since 2006.

ching! ching! ching!

There were a lot of purchases made today. Let me recap:

First, there was the purchase of cross-country airplane tickets. I am supremely excited to visit RachK and her king-size bed over my spring break. We will have lots of fun playing dress-up, watching TV, and talking to strangers on the streets of New York. We will probably take hundreds of pictures of ourselves, because we like how we look. It's not vanity, it's confidence.

Next, there was the purchase of a white, puffy vest, the item of clothing that will complete my wardrobe. Said vest also has fuzzy stuff on the inside, which is always a plus. I covet soft clothing.

Then, there was the purchase of an All-in-One Printer/Scanner/Copier. My school doesn't have a xerox machine for teachers to use. How silly is that. That's like a law firm not having access to a law library. This little technological doodad will hopefully make my life easier. It is also shiny and white and square, which is what I look for in my appliances.

Last, there was some food and sundries purchases. It was hard, but I bypassed the office supplies and container sections in Target without so much as a passing glance. As a reward, there was an incredibly cute guy in my checkout aisle at Elat. Not only cute, but he was speaking in Hebrew and French on his phone. We spoke. He had on a puffy vest and drove a jeep. I smiled and waved. I am smitten.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

cozy seamless man mitt

I'm having a very girly weekend with my pal Sierra, in which we will be getting fully waxed (my first time!) and then buying yarn to make this
Cozy Seamless Man Mitt. We'll probably stuff ourselves full of cookies, too.

Monday, January 15, 2007

iBoy

So I've been thinking about brainless summer employment, and also about how to meet men, and most importantly how to combine the two, and I think I've hit upon a genius solution: I'm going to work at the Apple Store.

Think about it -- how many times have you been at the mall with a guy and when you pass by the Apple Store he just has to "go in for a second to see something," and what he's really doing is playing with the latest ipod video or checking out the newest home speaker sets. And you happen to know that this very same guy has gone into the very same Apple Store already twice this week to covet those very same toys. He'll probably "go in for a second to see something" five more times this month and stand in front of the same displays.

Stuart admits he displays these very same behaviors and that I would have to fraternize with both the cool, hip guys as well as the older, not as hip dads. What he doesn't know is that he is exactly the type of guy I'm looking for, only twenty years younger, single, and not my godfather.

Monday, January 08, 2007

pads and condoms

This is the coolest kid in the world, right? I found him while Googling "kid" for a vocabulary flash card.


In other news, today I found a used condom waiting on the ground next to my rear tire. I work at a SCHOOL, people. Keep that shit hidden. Or better yet? THROW IT AWAY.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

thirty-eighth day of school jitters

Holy shit, I'm going back to work tomorrow. I'm so fucking nervous, it's rediculous. I'm excited at the same time. While I'm more organized going into this quarter than when I started, I'm taking on a lot more than before. I'm doing science, social studies, health, and PE for the first time. I also have to write a thesis, which is a crazy business.

I guess it's a mixed blessing. I will not have any time to worry about my love life.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Moses and Bill shoot the shit

An imagined conversation between Moses (of Biblical fame) and Bill Bryson, written by myself and fellow third grader teacher friend Sophie, during a workshop at last month's pointless UCLA seminar:

Moses: Have you ever been in the desert?

Bill: Oh yes - I spent two weeks in the central desert of Australia. Bloody vast. Terribly hot.

Moses: I can imagine! I and many others spent time in the desert between Egypt and Canaan. We needed many things to survive . . . food, shelter. What did you take with yourself as you traveled?

Bill: And of course I can imagine the transportation troubles you must have had. Crossing borders in the Middle East -- not a simple feat! I always take with me a single change of clothes, basic toilet necessities, and of course, my journal. This way I only have a single knapsack to remember. What do you carry?

Moses: Middle East? This land is all I know. Is there a beginning, or End, a West? Just this land. My people brought with them their goods -- wheat, grains, fruit, valuables like gold. Oh and of course, animals like mules and camels to help carry the load. As for me, all I needed was a robe my mother made and a staff. This was more than we could ask for. The food fell from the sky! It was wonderful!

Bill: You wore a robe while travelling? Doesn't leave a lot of pocket space for wallet, passport, camera, and such, does it? Is it a special robe from an outdoor apparel store or something? Pray tell.

Moses: It suited all needs. He was sure of that. A passport? What is this for? To pass. No, I led, but I was not permitted to pass.

Bill: I''m sorry -- I'm not certain we are talking about the same thing. Who is "He" ?

Moses: Oh vey! Another who doesn't believe! Listen, the plagues are done. Ignorance is fine, but don't object to Him.

Friday, January 05, 2007

end of break, wah

The wind is whipping away outside and I'm inside all warm and cozy with my alpaca fur hat and the heat blazing. It's quite cozy this way. Although also a little scary. The wind is going nuts.

I am web shopping for a puffy white vest, for I have decided that it will complete my wardrobe. My wardrobe that no longer fits into my two closets, but has to spend some time on the foot of my bed and on my desk chair and hanging from my bathroom door. I know that sixty five tank tops* is probably too many for one girl to own, and that I could probably go for seven months without repeating an outfit, but I really REALLY need a white puffy vest.

Tomorrow I have a UCLA meeting, which marks my return to reality. It's been a fun three weeks of Doing Nothing. It went faster than I thought it would, but there were still some dark spots. Some highlights include buying a car, internet maybe dating, Scrubs marathoning, New Years Day in Fullerton, slumming with Ariel, and my new brown sweat pants that I have not taken off since I purchased them seven days ago.

!!! Also I can't believe I forgot to mention that on my last time home from work weeks ago, I saw a man riding a horse down Vermont and 99th. A large, black horse.




*These are just the ones that go in the folding closet. I have my party shirts (aka slutty tops) in the hanging closet.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

gyno

Yesterday I went to a male gynocologist (Benja, stop reading now) for the first time. I decided I wasn't going to let it bother me, because he does it all the time. That is, in fact, what I repeat to myself no matter the gender of my doctor: "They do this all day long. They do this all day long." I had gotten myself all calmed down when my doctor left for a minute and returned with a nurse. I think having someone else in the room is somewhat of a standard procedure, but let me tell you, it was way weirder having two people standing there staring at my snatch, like maybe they were going to go into the hallway and talk about it later. I know they wouldn't, but they COULD HAVE.

last thoughts about the ex

The truth is that not a day goes by without me thinking about him. And not a week has gone by that I haven't cried about being left or about being alone or about what could have been. And on vacation, sitting at home by myself, these thoughts multiply and magnify and I can't seem to stop them. It's especially hard when every week marks something special that happened last year. And would have been special this year. My birthday, our anniversary, his birthday, I love you's...

I wonder if this is it, if this is really who I'm meant to be with, because I know that even if I wait a year to meet in person, that chemistry will still be there, and I'll fall back in love all over again. I know that the in-person amazing will never go away. A huge part of me thinks maybe it's the most important thing. That I thought about him for two years before we got together, that every time we hung out and every time we spoke on the phone during that time it was like walking on air, and when he finally moved back to LA and was sans girlfriend it just happened so naturally, we just CLICKED. And I really and truly believed that all of my dreams had come true, that this was going to be my life, and it was going to be perfect. I just KNEW it inside.

For a while, I wondered if it's all still going to happen, that maybe he'll get over whatever it is he's going through, maybe he'll get over it and do all the "right" things and make me want to come back. Or maybe I'll take off a coat of armor and make the phone call first, and put myself out there, and make it safe for both of us.

But other days I remember that it wasn't me who left when the going got tough. I was cut out. I was pushed away. And I'm still waiting for some words or actions that let me back in. I don't want to be with someone who goes back and forth about wanting to be with me. I don't want to be with someone who sends mixed messages about loving me. It needs to be painfully obvious that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. Isn't that how it should be?

More recently, I've come to realize that he is absolutely NOT who I want to be with. He broke up with me all of a sudden, without trying to work on issues we had. He asked to get back together, but then didn't make a single attempt to win me back. He asked to meet me in person, but then backed out because he couldn't "muster the strength of heart" to see me. Yet two weeks later, he is able to go to a party with over two hundred people and completely ignore me. Dude is CLEARLY showing that he does not want me back. I do not want to be involved with someone on any level if that is how I am going to be treated.

I saw his mom today and she loves me and also can't figure it out, and it's good to know that even his family thinks he's a shit.

So I'm done. D-O-N-E done. Officially. Happy New Year.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

new years day

Yesterday I went down to Fullerton to visit the Cutest Kid Ever and his mom. It was perhaps the most perfect day of my vacation, and an excellent way to start the new year. We slummed around the living room for a few hours, snacked on popcorn and Kool-Aid, watched some Blues Clues, visited Starbucks and Old Navy, and then ate pasta with the movie Wedding Crashers. Oh, and also Charlie tried out my new car:



(Like me, he was impressed with the sporty dashboard.)

Monday, January 01, 2007

happy new year

Six Jello shots, two vodka drinks, and eight hundred handfulls of Chex Mix later, it is 2007! Have successfully passed into the New Year. I will not be doing my traditional Year In Review because I don't want to go back and be reminded. This new year is all about the NEW. New car, new clothes, new pictures in my living room, new eating habits (chocolate for lunch and dinner), new TV schedule...

Also I've decided that I'd like to spend next New Years Eve in a bed, watching movies, eating popcorn, and toasting midnight with a glass of champagne. (Ideally with a fine male specimen next to me.)