last thoughts about the ex

The truth is that not a day goes by without me thinking about him. And not a week has gone by that I haven't cried about being left or about being alone or about what could have been. And on vacation, sitting at home by myself, these thoughts multiply and magnify and I can't seem to stop them. It's especially hard when every week marks something special that happened last year. And would have been special this year. My birthday, our anniversary, his birthday, I love you's...

I wonder if this is it, if this is really who I'm meant to be with, because I know that even if I wait a year to meet in person, that chemistry will still be there, and I'll fall back in love all over again. I know that the in-person amazing will never go away. A huge part of me thinks maybe it's the most important thing. That I thought about him for two years before we got together, that every time we hung out and every time we spoke on the phone during that time it was like walking on air, and when he finally moved back to LA and was sans girlfriend it just happened so naturally, we just CLICKED. And I really and truly believed that all of my dreams had come true, that this was going to be my life, and it was going to be perfect. I just KNEW it inside.

For a while, I wondered if it's all still going to happen, that maybe he'll get over whatever it is he's going through, maybe he'll get over it and do all the "right" things and make me want to come back. Or maybe I'll take off a coat of armor and make the phone call first, and put myself out there, and make it safe for both of us.

But other days I remember that it wasn't me who left when the going got tough. I was cut out. I was pushed away. And I'm still waiting for some words or actions that let me back in. I don't want to be with someone who goes back and forth about wanting to be with me. I don't want to be with someone who sends mixed messages about loving me. It needs to be painfully obvious that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. Isn't that how it should be?

More recently, I've come to realize that he is absolutely NOT who I want to be with. He broke up with me all of a sudden, without trying to work on issues we had. He asked to get back together, but then didn't make a single attempt to win me back. He asked to meet me in person, but then backed out because he couldn't "muster the strength of heart" to see me. Yet two weeks later, he is able to go to a party with over two hundred people and completely ignore me. Dude is CLEARLY showing that he does not want me back. I do not want to be involved with someone on any level if that is how I am going to be treated.

I saw his mom today and she loves me and also can't figure it out, and it's good to know that even his family thinks he's a shit.

So I'm done. D-O-N-E done. Officially. Happy New Year.