"I'm into Clippy..."

I know Dooce totally found this first, but I think it is the funniest video ever. Clippy is genius, and the Bar Mitzvah trope in the middle of jacking off is priceless.

http://www.phonesexpranks.com/

Memorial Day Weekend

I called in some booty on Friday night and it was way easier (and more fun) than I thought it would be. He was embarrassed to walk from my shower to my bedroom with a towel in case the roommates saw, and so he put on all his clothes to take four steps and then take them off again. What he doesn't know is that first of all, my roommates are not idiots, and second of all, I obviously told them the second he went home.

The other day I had a dream that I was electrocuted. I was standing in a giant fish tank, water up to my knees, and about to plug in the filter, when ZOOM! A GIANT SHOCK WENT THROUGH MY BODY! I felt it and said to myself, oh shit self, I am about to die. I'm not so into this right now. Let me take a giant breath and push myself out of the water. . . . and woke up.

I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 3 with my non-boyfriend BJ last night. It was exactly what I expected: totally sucky. The upside was that n-b bought a giant bag of Reeses Pieces and let me take the extras home.

I got carded at Hustler last weekend. You have to be eighteen to shop there. I am twenty-five. I have not aged since the ninth grade. My prom dress still fits me perfectly.

Memorial Day is is one of my favorite holidays because it heralds the coming of summer. It pretty much means the school year is over. I've been on an academic calendar since kindergarten, so I'm kind of an expert in this. Summer is the best part of the year BY FAR. This summer promises to be lots of lazy fun, including but not limited to: parties and beaches with Nicole, go-go dancing training with Sierra, college friends Liz and Dale, a new baby cousin, The Netherlands, and possibly a jaunt to Mexico to visit the homes of some of my current students. I nearly forgot -- I pledge to sleep an average of seventy hours each week this summer. It's all I can do to give back.

in my inbox:

an awesome site

emily, post more!

Ode to Butter Lettuce

Damn.
You're so tender and sweet
I don't even have to chew.
That's how smooth you go down baby.
You rock my world.
And when it's over
I get to say-
Yeah,
I ate the whole head.

an average Tuesday

Today our coordinator walked into the room and requested two students to complete their make up tests. (They had been absent.) After they left, one of my girls looked at me quizzically and asked, "Why are they taking a test about make-up?"


Awww. More importantly, I CAN DOUBLE DUTCH!!! I can even jump in! I finally did it this week!!! My athletic prowess knows no bounds!

no immune system to speak of

Why do I have a fucking cold AGAIN? It's been four days since I finished antibiotics, jesus. What do I have to do, sleep for TEN hours every night? Nine isn't enough? Take TWO daily multi-vitamins? Eat a steady diet of oranges and tofu? Make a sacrifice at the head of a volcano?

What the fuck, this totally isn't fair.

you can tell I'm wise by the freckles on my nose

from Craigslist:

Let me be totally honest. I am not looking for someone average. I am not average. I am not interested in anything average. Ever. Most certainly not an average relationship or an average woman.

I am looking for nothing less than an AMAZING WOMAN. Someone to get serious with, someone who knows who she is and what she deserves. Someone who has self-respect and self-love, someone who has something to say, a beautiful smile, a sexy body, someone who can move gracefully through life, be gentle, seductive, faithful and wise.

You know who you are.

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