mapquest ain't got nothin' on me

This afternoon I was driving home from tutoring new kid Andie, who lives in Mar Vista. I somehow ended up on National Blvd, and was quick to congratulate myself for finding a shortcut home which avoids Pico. (Take National to Palms to Beverwil to my neighborhood, which is Beverlywood-ish.) I really take great pride in knowing my way around LA. Granted, I've been living here for nineteen years, but seventeen of those years didn't count because I didn't drive myself ANYWHERE. Then I went away to college, bought a car, moved back, and learned me some streets. And I really LOVE when I can get somewhere new by feel alone, without asking directions or looking on mapquest. No sooner had I developed the proud thought re: National Blvd, then I ran into Overland. Which is where National dead ends.

As realized I would either have to get on the 10 west -- absolutely not an option at 5:30pm -- or turn left onto Overland -- and eventually return to Pico -- I remembered that National picked up after a few blocks on Overland to the RIGHT. Embarrassingly, I actually felt PROUD that I had figured out the shortcut again. National isn't going to be the boss of ME.

I thought I would write a little commentary on my favorite streets in LA. And by favorite, I don't mean they are the fastest or the straightest. They are just the weirdest, and only a native would understand.

1. San Vicente Boulevard. The correct way to pronounce this street name is SAN Vuh-SEH-nee. If you are pretending to be fluent in Spanish and saying SAN Vi-SEN-tay you are wrong. (The same property goes for Los Feliz, correctly pronounced LOS FEE-lis, not LOS Feh-LEEZ. Here in Los Angeles we only pretend to celebrate our Mexican heritage.
2. Mulholland Drive. If you are from the city, you say MULholland. If you are from the valley, you say MulHOLLand.
   
3. The most fabulous intersection in all of LA is where Beverly Drive, Lomitas Ave, Canon Drive, and Benedict Canyon meet. Each of these streets has two lanes in each directions. THERE IS NO STREET LIGHT. Here is a six-way extravaganza all about manners and playing chicken. Usually there is an obvious pattern to the order of the road, but not always. My mother will only cross here if she is next to an SUV, and only then if the SUV moves first. This intersection is so unique that comedian Eddie Izzard commented on it in the special features disc for his show Circle.
   
4. Crescent Heights. I never realized this street was so sneaky fast when I was living with my parents over at Pico/Fairfax. Over there it is stop-lighted and stop-signed every block. But Crescent Heights above Wilshire is like SuperCrescent Heights, almost like Semi-Circle Heights.
   
5. Olympic is always much faster and emptier than Pico, and I'm pretty sure they planned on that when they built this city, since Olympic has three lanes in each direction and means "big" whereas Pico only has two lanes in each direction and means "small." I only made this connection in April. Props, city planners, you thought waaaaay more ahead than I would have.
6. Exposition has to be the lamest street there is. It follows the train tracks through the city, winding this way and that through neighborhoods and commercial areas. It is barely two lanes (sometimes just one), doesn't have any lights when it crosses major streets, and dead-ends several times. Driving on Exposition is like driving through an alley. But windier, and with less of a sense of where the fuck you are. I find it funny that this completely inconvenient road has such a lofty name. Especially, and this is my favorite part, its full name is Exposition BOULEVARD.
   

*ps: when I say "LA," I really only mean the city. I'm terribly biased that way, but really, trust me on this, nothing happens in the valley. Which is what makes the faux TV drama series The Valley as mentioned on The OC all the more hilarious.