ANGRY

I am ANGRY. I am HURT. I am CONFUSED. I am FILLED WITH DOUBTS.

I was SO EXCITED to visit you, Wade, so excited. I couldn't wait to see our pictures, I couldn't wait to laugh about the stupid things that happneed, I couldn't wait to be greeted with a big hello and a bear hug like you always used to do. I thought and thought about the best time to come, for both of us, and for traffic. I rearranged my tutoring schedule. I got double ready in the morning, both for my first day of grad school and for my trek down to Irvine. When orientation was extremely boring, I thought, well at least I'm going to have a great evening with my good friend Wade.

When I spoke to you on the phone yesterday, we went over the schedule. When I left school today, I left you a message. When I got to Long Beach, we spoke. You were going on some errands with your dad, you said. You checked to see where I was and how the traffic was to gage your time. See you soon, you added cheerfully. But when I arrived at your house, no one was home. No one was home for another thirty minutes.

So it really sucked for me, that I had spent an hour and a half driving, that I'd rushed through LA to beat traffic, and then got to sit on your lawn for thirty minutes. No, I couldn't call you because I didn't get cell service at your house -- but it's not like you tried to call me. You said it was your dad's fault and he agreed -- he was with a client. I got a very lame apology and then not even a hello or hug until we were already settled in the kitchen with my bag down.

And then you ask your mom if we can help do anything for dinner. She is very hesitant to assign us anything. Maybe she's thinking that I just spent two hours in the car and want to catch us with my friend. I don't know, I'm just saying. You press on, asking several more times if there is anything to do. She finally relents. This is before you have asked me about my day, my school, my week, myself. We peel potatoes, and I relay my exciting orientation stories to you and your mother. SHE asks several questions. YOU peel potatoes.

Then we go upstairs to look at pictures. This was to be the only time all night that you showed me a glimmer of recognition that we had shared space in the past month.

After pictures was dinner. I think we made eye contact only once. OK, maybe twice. I'm pretty sure you didn't direct a single question my way. It felt like I was sharing a meal with the kind-hearted neighbors across the street, the ones who know my name, but little else.

I tried asking how you were, what you had been doing, but I got a terse response. It lacked adjectives and inflection. And then, you decide to give your parents a slide show of our trip. An activity that does not necessitate my presence. You tinker with the computer for a while, and I consider seriously returning to LA. Why was I there, Wade? Couldn't you see me standing next to you, in your house? Did you notice that I came to visit YOU?

The slide show eventually starts, and I get my awaited for acknowledgment in the form of, "Chime in anytime, Deeners." Oh, and then, "I'm going to the bathroom. Will you take over, Deens?" Words of friendship. They warm my heart.

As soon as the last picture is clicked, you announce you have to go to your next friend. She didn't want to drive all the way down, so you are meeting her halfway. I am thinking about how I drove on the 405 in rush-hour to get here, and how I have to get back in time to sleep for my seven am field trip tomorrow. Locking my keys in the car was not your fault. It just added insult to injury.

And then I finally asked you, what the fuck was up? I gave you all the excuses I could think of, a multiple choice of why you made ZERO effort to interact tonight:
a) You were worried about mom
b) You were stressed and didn't have time to see me
c) Overkill of me from trip
d) You wanted to spend all your time with family
For all these options, you could have let me know beforehand. "Sorry, Deens, I just can't do Monday night. I'm super busy just spending time with family and dealing with stuff -- I don't think it'll work this time. Can I mail you the pics?" Or how about, "I don't know, Deens, I already made plans with someone Monday night -- what about Tuesday?" Or even, "I'm feeling a little trip-ed out. I kinda just want to hang by myself. Is that cool?"

How come I can think of three responses, and you offered me NOTHING???? You give me an I-don't-know for the seven hours I wasted tonight. "I don't know, I'm sorry, you didn't do anything, I don't know. I don't really want to be home now. I'm sorry it went like this tonight, I'm sorry you feel that way."

I'm sorry I feel this way, too, Wade, that you made me not want to be your friend anymore.