vote today!

From the same state that elected Jesse "The Body" Ventura comes another terrifyingly questionable gubernatorial candidate. Let me introduce to you:

Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey

We are already painfully aware that Minnesotans have the UGLIEST accent in the continental forty-eight. Honestly, it hurts sometimes. And I should know. My mother was born and bred in the Land of Ten Thousand Lakes but was lucky to leave right after high school and lose her accent. MOSTLY. She still says things like, "ruf" when referring to the top of a building. Her aunt, on the other hand, who never left, pronounces "bag" like "baig" and sometimes "beg." Frances McDormand may have been cute with her "Dontcha Know," but "shopping baig" is NOT CUTE. Especially when every sentence is uttered SLOWLY and through teeth that are aproximately one millimeter apart. Minnesotans are notorious for speaking without opening their mouths.

So now this guy Sharky is running for governor. He has a splendid webpage with full-color pictures of himself dressed, top-bottom as:

• a serious business man
• the Impaler (pictured here)
  
• Rocky-Flash (zebra print briefs posed in front of the American flag)
• the Impaler (a classy head shot)
• sensitive guy (with some lady labeled "Julie")

Here are some of my favorite quotes from his page. which you can find HERE:

"I am a Satanic Dark Priest, Sanguinarian Vampyre and a Hecate Witch.
My Magikal Path name is: Lord Ares."

"I despise and hate the Christian God the Father. He is my enemy....The 1st Amendment ... allows me to worship Lucifer and the Goddess Hecate, just as it allows you to worship the Goddess/God of your choice."

"Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond my control, I have not yet made my NASCAR racing debut. However, it is my plan to do so during the 2006 racing season."

"Any Terrorist who is caught in Minnesota while I am governor, will find out what the true meaning of my nickname "The Impaler" means."


I couldn't make this shit up.