faith

I've started praying to God every night. I need to know that someone is watching me and taking care that things will work out. I need to know that someone is giving me strength to deal with all of my emotions. I need to know that someone is making sure that I don't go crazy.

I used to pray in the silent part of the Amidah at school or at Camp. I made a point of going through my head and really thinking hard to come up with a Gimmee, Thanks, Oops, and Wow. I don't have that in my day anymore.

It's such a release to put your worries and your stresses into someone else's hands. It's hard to remember that sometimes you have to give up, you can't control everything. Remembering this is difficult but comforting. Hearing the words, "If it's meant to be, then it will be" is reassuring.

I'm not sure what is going on inside me right now. I can't really keep it together, and I can't explain what is bothering me. I can't think of anything that merits these hysterics. It's up and down and up and down every day, some days more than most, some hours more than others. I'm usually very sane and very happy, and I'm getting really scared by how my body has been feeling these past few weeks.

So for now I'm praying.