time to clear out the texts

For a second i didn't know what you were talking about and thought you were referring to staying together in hotel? Like you were going to surprise me with butt sex. LOL

The best part about Amish friendship bread is that you are not supposed to use a metal spoon to mix it.

We jumped a fence into the veterans cemetery and made out.

Hope your ride was ok and your bald vagina is doing fine.

I'm in awe. And i'm wearing a toga.

P.S. If I die of texting while driving please tell my family I love them.

Im at a bbq. Want 2 have some crazy sex?

Please text me Matt's phone # I actually had it and lost it - I will tell him that you advertised it on a porn website.

Launderette at the door?
(Do you mean lingerie?)
French spelling.

Doesn't it feel nice to have dry pits?

I'm selling some 1st graders cheap if anyone is interested. One named monaye is up for grabs! She's feral.

I'm going on a blind date. Call me in an hour and say ur in labor.

How did the name Pieter Van Den Hoogenband slip through our fingers, Raj!?

Masturbate. Less drama.

Do you want her address? Are you looking for more faux fur in your life?

Exes suck. Paris wanted to hang out tonight and I said i couldn't cuz i had diarrhea!

Are you a Shlemiel? In yiddish?

There is a large naked man sleeping in my bed.
Liz wants to know in what ways you mean large...

A. Do you have psoriasis? B. Remind me to ask you about sex.

Want to cum over and eat bread? im off at 7

I just read your last text and now I'm hard at Whole Foods.

Hi. Chewing my nasty gum, thinking of you.

It is gross to admit that I haven't washed the sweat pants I'm currently wearing (and have worn daily since purchasing) ever?