aussie rules football rules

On Sunday we had planned to go to the Jewish Museum and then the Australian Museum. We took the train to Kings Cross and started walking around, trying to find that famous Coca Cola sign. I have to report that I was sorely disappointed by it. I was expecting a metallic, glittering, stand up cursive affair, like the one in Strictly Ballroom. The two-dimensional plastic poster was boring. Baz Luhrman's Sydney is much more brilliant.

Just as we passed the red and white sign, we spotted a bunch of people wearing red and white clothes. They were all walking in the same direction. We followed them. We decided to go to a rugby game!

Or so we thought! The playing grounds were called "Sydney Cricket Grounds," and there was a bit of worry that we might be held captive to a long and slow cricket death match. Judging from the kids' balls they had brought, which were football-like but slightly bigger and rounder, we decided on rugby. The first half of the game we spent trying to figure out how points were scored. In rugby, we decided, you earned 6 points by getting the ball through the middle posts, and just one point from the side posts. In rugby, you did not wear helmets or padding or any protection at all. During halftime, I turned around and asked a fellow what sport we were watching. With real concern in his eyes, he informed me that this was an Australian Football League game.

THESE ARE THE RULES TO AUSTRALIAN RULES FOOTBALL, AS FAR AS WE CAN TELL.

1. The players must wear short shorts. That is their only rule. They are pretty much allowed to do whatever they want to get the ball through the goal posts – run, walk, throw, catch, bounce, tackle, block, grab, punch, etc. You can grab a player's groin and box him in the nose while grabbing the ball from under his shirt. Anything goes. They are pretty strict about the shorts, though.
2. The referees, who also wear short shorts, must sprint across the field at Olympic speed when handling and out-of-play ball. They need to practice their running and backwards throwing year round if they are to qualify for referee-ship for the season. No out of shape refs here, nosiree.
   
3. Spectators must wear tons of Swan flair, hats, sweaters, scarves, flags, shirts. It is best if you wear all of this at once. If you don't have official membership gear, you can just wear a lot of red and white.
4. During quarter breaks, you must leave your seat and buy food. If you are buying beer, you must spill half of the cup while walking back to your seat.
5. Don't you dare eat broccoli at the game.
6. The winning team fans will stand and sing their team song at the end of the game.

Australian thing of the day: Australian football.