first day of school guilt

Today was the first day of school, FREAK OUT, very stressful and not for the normal reasons. My new room is very tiny, and while I'm happy to be sharing a closet with a neater teacher (who let me organize the whole thing), there is no room for a desk! There is no room for a single extra body! There is no room for me to be in there during my preps, or for her to be there during her preps! It is so cramped that there is no way to sneak in unnoticed to grab your purse.

Also I've had this nagging feeling for a week that I did an awful thing by not picking a certain student to be in my advisory again. She is my favorite kid in the whole school, very mature and insightful and kind of reminds me of me. She is a true leader and though it would not be legal or socially just, (and thus I would never do it), I would totally trust her to lead the class in my absence. That's saying a lot for a twelve year old, but we just really clicked.

When we made new advisory groups last week, I was determined to have her in mine, but when we got to her name, I didn't say anything. I don't know why. Maybe in the moment I was feeling overly selfish and didn't want to seem too grabby in front of the other teachers. As soon as the day was over I was already regretting my omission, and I haven't stopped thinking about it. I saw her this morning and she asked me in a wounded tone why she wasn't with me again. GUILT.

I tried to rationalize that the move is better for her because I might treat her with undue favoritism, or give her too much control for her own good. Placing her with another teacher will let her grow independently. I also convinced myself for a quick second that my advisory group will be younger feeling without her, but I'm not really sure that that is even an advantage.

This afternoon I had a brief epiphany wherein I remembered that THIS IS JUST A JOB and she is not my child that I'm having to give up for adoption. Like any other student, she grows up and moves on, and in her place I have a whole new set of potential favorites.

But like I said, that moment was brief. I feel like I made this huge mistake that I'm going to regret for the rest of the year. I wouldn't feel this way at all if she had been randomly assigned to another teacher, but the fact that I had a choice and I PASSED really kills me.