break up letter

This is the Dear John email that the aforementioned asshole sent to me several years ago. I added in italics what he really meant to say. Then I sent to all of his friends. In addition to being extremely therapeudic, I think it is a real masterpiece. (Some credits to my mother.) I'm posting it here not because I still care about him (I don't), but because I want to inspire other girls to take their creative talents and shove them up some asshole's crack.
---------------------------------

Dear *,
Well first I must send you an apology because I am too chicken to talk to you over the phone. I am terribly sorry that I have not sent you an email in a while (6 weeks, actually) and offer only the sorry excuses of intense midterms and being ill. Also I was hooking up with Deanna secretly. It took a whole lot of effort to keep that under wraps, and left no energy to write or call you. I wanted to let you know I feel bad about that.

I am really looking forward to seeing you. It has been more than half a year and quite frankly too long. Without your influence, I have really regressed. That might have been hard to express on the phone because I too was "anxious" about your visit. "Feeling guilty" might be a better way to describe it. The next part of this email may be a surprise, I hope it doesn't hurt you, but I have to let you know where I am at right now because I haven't been honest with you up to this point.

When you come back this week, I can not be with you in the way we left each other in July. I hope that we can spend time together and catch up, but I can not be that person to you anymore. I am a totally new person now, devoid of sensitivity. I know this might sound as a surprise because I never let on during the four weeks you were in Thailand, on the phone when you came back, or the 10 days in between your email to me and this reply, but the reason is, I am seeing someone and that actually is a surprise to everyone. I, of course, am not surprised by this development. I have known about it for some time. Deanna and I have decided that we wanted to be a couple only a few days ago. This relationship was something that happened gradually over time, while I was writing you love letters, as we spent more and more time together and I really grew to love the person that I came to know. You probably don't want to hear about how much I like her but I am going to tell you anyways.

This came unexpectedly and unconventionally (big words make me sound smarter), but it has become in a very important part of my life. I wish I could have had the balls to have given you more of a heads up on this, we both decided over the weekend that a relationship is indeed what we wanted, making feelings that had been hidden for so long public, only making an announcement about it to people in the middle of this week. By "people" I mean my residents. I didn't tell you until a week after them, and come to think about it, I haven't told some of my other "friends" at UCSD. As coworkers and partners making this public was a big deal. Because everyone else thought that I was totally in love with you.

Don't think for a moment that I don't still care for you, I hope that we can continue to be good friends, you know, the type that doesn't expect too much from each other, that we can enjoy our many mutual friendships which might slide in your favor after this crummy move I am pulling, that we can disrespect the changes in our lives and that you aren't mad at me for keeping something like this from you the way that I had to because I lacked the integrity to treat you with respect.

-"New" Nick